You Might Be a Redneck If…

  • You ever cut your grass and found a car.
  • You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
  • You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as “the day my ship came in.”
  • You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the
  • Governor to spare a loved one.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
  • Someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
  • You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
  • You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberatley.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
  • You clean your fingernails with a stick.
  • Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
  • You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
  • The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
  • You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  • Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tatoo.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
  • You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
  • People hear your car a long time before they see it.
  • The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
  • You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
  • You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
  • You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
  • You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
  • You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
  • Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
  • MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
  • You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
  • Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
  • You own a denim leisure suit.
  • You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  • Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap.
  • The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
  • You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
  • You’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
  • You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time call….”
  • You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
  • Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  • You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
  • After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
  • Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
  • All of your four letter words are two syllables.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You cut your toenails in front of company.
  • You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Hitchhikers won’t get in the car with you.
  • You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You call your boss “dude”.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You have grease under your toenails.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  • You’ve ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • You’ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.
  • You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
  • You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
  • Your father walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade.
  • The directions to your house say “Turn off the paved road.”
  • Your honeymoon was in Little Rock.
  • Your wife has more children than teeth.
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