You Know It Is Humid Weather When

  • You wake up thinking you’re on a bus tour in Malaysia.
  • The first thing you do every day is throw your pillow in the dryer.
  • You hear the weather in Rangoon is better.
  • You need wrestling experience to get in and out of your clothes.
  • You pull out last night’s ice cube tray from the freezer and you still don’t have ice cubes, just cold water.
  • You’ve learned that HHH stands for more than hazy, hot, and humid, that it also stands for hell’s hottest house.
  • You haven’t watered your plants for three weeks but they’re still not dead, not even dry.
  • You use the remote to turn on the TV and your whole body becomes drenched in sweat.
  • You sit down to eat breakfast wearing as little as possible and suddenly remember that you have sat on a plastic chair which causes you to leap up leaving most of your skin on the seat.
  • The TV weatherman is smiling.
  • You shower, re-shower, then use an entire can of “Shower to Shower” talcum on your body–and yet arrive at work looking as if you’ve been flung out of a saloon.
  • Your glasses are constantly steamed up.
  • Your hair hasn’t been dry since July 17.
  • In order to sleep at night, you have to freeze those blue gel blocks (ice substitute) from the picnic cooler and take them to bed with you.
  • You struggle all night long with a mysterious assailant who turns out to be the sheet.
  • Three weeks later, totally sleep deprived, and feeling a tad grumpy you run into the weatherman on the cross-town commuter bus, and it humors you to stand over him so that your sweat drips all over his suit, not because he made the weather, but because of the smile you saw on him the morning you sat on the plastic chair.
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