POOH GOES APESHIT
By A.A. Milne
Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered to
each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, there
lived Pooh bear. >>From inside Pooh’s house, there came a steady bang…bang…
bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the sideboard. The light came
through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh raised the axe once more and
brought it down on the tattered remains of Christopher Robin. “Why…won’t…
he…fit…” puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down once more. There was
a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which Pooh had hidden with his
favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat that he was, didn’t quite fit
in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack
Christopher Robin’s legs off. “A far more sensible idea”, thought Pooh, and
hummed a little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest
of the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug. “Always too
bossy”, thought Pooh, “Always too bossy, always grabbing me by the paw and
saying ‘Come on Pooh lets have an adventure’ or ‘Pooh you are silly!’ in that
affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little shorts – bastard!”
Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round, humming a
little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the fire and
fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned up,
squeaking in his child-actor voice “Come on Pooh! Open Up!”, Pooh had
answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then went
to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there, prattling on
about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little brain (which
wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought it down
with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin’s skull, cleaving it virtually
in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces upright,
and freezing C.R’s eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do
such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his mouth
with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the blood,
washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.
Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have his
tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired the
evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched him
get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.
Piglet had no time to realise what had happened – the drill pierced his skull,
sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh’s orange hide. He rubbed
the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking. Then he
pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on the
sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled it
full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by
a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh
thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric
feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything
that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh
dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.
“Adios, dear ‘friends'”, Pooh giggled, “Things are going to change around the
100-acre wood now I’m in charge” he laughed hysterically and went indoors.
The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh’s house, to see
if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since
yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet
yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.
When they reached Pooh’s house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere
to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh’s house and noticed a large
hole in Pooh’s floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob of
congealing honey “OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN” (spelling had never been one of
Pooh’s strong points). “That’s odd”, though Tigger, “there are no dragons
in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What _is_ that silly bear up to now?”
Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment. That
morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty nose.
So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while later
had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked INSECTICIDE
in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyor’s favourite
patch of thistles.
“This will serve that manic depressive donkey right” laughed Pooh aloud,
“always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper”, Pooh said to himself.
Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyor eat himself to
death – sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body of
Eeyor in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet – “Shouldn’t cheat should you?”,
shouted Pooh as Eeyor’s eyes stared with disbelief – “You’re lucky I didn’t
chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!”, laughed Pooh
manically, before he covered the makeshift grave over.
Pooh didn’t return to the house until dinner time as he was totally spaced out
all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood and
all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and Roo
bouncing up and down outside his house singing “bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun,
fun, fun, the wonderful….”. “‘Wonderful’?”, thought Pooh aloud, “My foot,
you’d think the writer of this shitty story could think up better lyrics for
a song than that, and to think, they released the soundtrack album on
cassette and CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off.” This lightened
Pooh’s mood somewhat, but the respite was brief.
“What was that you said?”, asked Roo. “God does he never stop asking pathetic
questions?”, Pooh thought furiously, “I’m going to have to deal with these prat
as well. Is there no-one in this place with intelligence apart from me?”
Pooh asked despairingly.”
Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon
sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that
himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea
formed in his overactive brain, and agreed – “What an opportunity”, Pooh
whispered to himself as he followed the innocent Tigger to the bridge.
Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under
way, Pooh thought he’d much rather push his stick up Tigger’s arse, rather
than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the
bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh’s wide horrific grin
as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of
pushing the stupid cat into the stream – “Cats hate water, tee hee, he’ll
There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as his
head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to the
rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was joyously
shouting at the drowning Tigger.
“Why?”, spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold, whic
Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger?? How absolutely silly.
“I’ll tell you why you bastard”, screamed Pooh, “It serves you right, hiding
behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people.” But Tigger
did not hear Pooh’s answer as he was already floating downstream face down in
the water, dead – “Good riddance”, laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch,
“Still time to get that little dick head Roo before he wakes up.”
Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo’s mum and saw Roo’s ear poking out of
her pouch – “Now I’ve got you, you little git”, Pooh thought, smiling, as he
threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for Piglet’s
sewing lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly,
so he would not be able to get out and his mum would not be able to rescue
him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and
thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh
made his way back to his house wondering how Roo’s mum would take the death
of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt
general nausea overcome him.
By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very desperate
for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up the syringe
and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount, one might say,
for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh died of an overdose,
but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming that he was the only
teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he surprised Eeyor one day – but
that’s a story for another day.
Written by an anonymous PUE working at IBM, Warwick, in 1987.