who’s Emo Philips?

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy
Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. — Emo Phillips

The toughest time…in anyone’s life…is when you have to kill a loved one
just because they’re the devil. — Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said “lady take your purse.”
— Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
— Emo Phillips

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye…and dragged it fifteen
feet. — Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, “Didn’t I see you on television?”
I said, “I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.” — Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When
brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
drunk driving in that state was. His reply: “I don’t know, reelection to the
Senate?”

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up
and down and run around yelling and screaming…They don’t know I’m only using
blanks. — Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said,
“Get off me, you two!” — Emo Phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off. so i ran over and said “stop! don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t
I?” he said. I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like
what?” I said, “Well…are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.”
I said, “Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” I
said, “Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I
said, “Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?” He said, “Baptist!” I said,
“Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?”
He said, “Baptist church of god!” I said, “Me too! Are you original baptist
church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?” He said, “Reformed
baptist church of god!” I said, “Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of
god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of
1915?” He said, “Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!” I
said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off. — Emo Phillips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said “If you’ll notice, I
sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things
lately, that should more than make up the difference.” — Emo Phillips

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours
before I realized it had a scratch on it. — Emo Phillips

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