What I Learned in College

ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.

ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane“. If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.

ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

ON YOUTH
“Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy — in a jar on my desk.” — Steven King, 3/8/90

ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. — Abraham Maslow

ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn’t know they were catholic!

ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. — English Professor, Ohio University

ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

ON LAMENTATION
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

ON POETIC LOVE
When you’re swimmin’ in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That’s a moray!
— Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. — Dorothy Parker

ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.

ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
“… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.” — Robert Firth

ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth—they are too weak to refuse.

ON EXCUSES
I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do. — Joe Walsh

ON NUMBERS
Grabel’s Law: 2 is not equal to 3—not even for very large values of 2.

ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.

AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.

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