Universal Truths


  • The hell with the Prime Directive – let’s kill something!
  • Hello. My name is Batman. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
  • He’s dead, Jim. You take his phaser, I’ll get his wallet.
  • I hate you, you hate me, let’s go out and kill Barney – with a 9-millimeter bullet to the head, let’s tell Baby Bop Barney’s dead!
  • I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness” but it doesn’t work.
  • I canna change the laws of physics, Captain, but I can find ye a loophole
  • Gosh, that takes me back … or forward. That’s the trouble with time travel, you never can tell.



  • The battle of the Gulf was won on the playing fields of Nintendo
  • Friendly fire isn’t. Recoiless fires aren’t. Suppressive fires won’t.
  • Mules and donkeys aren’t used in war because they’re too smart to go on a battlefield.
  • The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
  • When you’ve secured the area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.



  • Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the problem.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
  • If pro is the opposite of con then the opposite of progress must be Congress
  • There are no accidents – only plans other people don’t tell you about.
  • You always find things the first place you look, but not the first time you look there.



  • Foreign aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
  • How come you never see a politician laugh? Because they know what they’re getting away with, and if they started laughing, they’d never stop.
  • I don’t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I’d be irresponsible too.
  • I wonder if the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress.
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