Torch in DC

With all the hype about the Olympic Torch coming through the D.C.
area, certain gory details about the Torch’s journey were
omitted by the media (probably a conspiracy by those “black helicopter”
guys).

Accordingly, I thought you might like to see a minute-by-minute
account of what REALLY happened as the Torch made its way through our
fine city:

3:15 Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol
3:30 Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole.
5:00 One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch.
5:15 Torch enters Northeast Washington
5:16 First recorded case of “Torch-jacking” occurs.
6:00 After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop
and repurchased for $25
6:15 Torch arrives at city hall. Crowd is dismayed when Marion
Barry uses it to light his crack pipe.
6:20 Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to
take the torch to the country for “spiritual renewal”.
6:30 Torch heads into Northwest Washington
6:35 Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole.
6:45 Torch is recovered (runner is never found).
6:55 Torch arrives at Dupont Circle. Residents are proud to
have such a high profile “flame” in their area.
7:00 Torch runner attempts to hand off flame to NBA star Juwan Howard.
7:01 David Falk stops the transaction, demanding $9 million over
two years for Howard’s effort.
7:21 Torch arrives White House.
7:22 FBI files on Torch arrive White House.
7:23 Hillary fires Torch, citing “gross mismanagement and bad
record keeping”.
7:24 “Torchgate” hearings begin on Capitol Hill.
7:30 Torch leaves White House, heads across the Mall.
7:35 Torch is handed to Republican Presidential candidate, Pat Buchanan.
7:36 Series of mysterious fires at black churches begins along
Torch route.
8:00 Torch heads for Virginia.
8:15 Crossing the 14th Street Bridge, Torch is accidentally
dropped into Potomac — entire surface of river immediately ignites.
8:45 After being recovered by ValuJet divers, Torch enters
Virginia. Upon crossing state line, runner is immediately assessed
personal property tax on torch.

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