There can be only one

(Penn, the talking one of Penn & Teller, says, “You find
wacky stuff on the Net – no doubt about it.” Judge for
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this
end, I hold M&Mduels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,
I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and
splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately.
The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher,
and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that
the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a
weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.
In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as
well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division
of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card
reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have
set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds,
we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

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