Heroic Failures

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE During the firemen’s strike of 1978, the British … Continue reading

University Course Evaluation Comments

A friend of mine goes to Brown University. They have a publication there called “The Critical Review.” A section has student comments on a class. Here are some of the more humorous:   Insights from Student Surveys: “He spoke, I had no clue, it was as mutal relationship.” “The book was written … Continue reading

a little religous humor

My brother began to dictate in his best oratorical style, the one which has the tribes hanging on his words. “In the beginning,” he said, “exactly fifteen billion years ago, there was a big bang and the Universe-” But I had stopped writing. “Fifteen billion years ago?” I said incredulously. … Continue reading

Seven of the World’s Easiest Questions

How long did the Hundred Years War last? In which country are Panama hats made? Where does catgut come from? What is a camel’s hair brush made of? What kind of creatures were the Canary Isles named after? What was King George VI’s first name? What color is a purple … Continue reading

Benefits of turning 40

1. Color-coordinating walker 2. Won’t have to pretend to fit in with the thirty-something crowd 3. Nursing homes start to look appealing 4. You’re almost a grown-up 5. Future: Afgans and All My Children 6. Declare young children must respect their elders (in form of cash gifts on your birthday) … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

Why Beer is better than Jesus

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus ————————————————- 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves. 6. … Continue reading

Product Warnings For Physicists

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of … Continue reading

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

Microsoft and the Catholic Church

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church By Hank Vorjes VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines 2

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers House passes gas tax onto senate Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan Two convicts evade noose, jury hung William Kelly was fed secretary Milk drinkers are turning to … Continue reading

A penny for your thoughts

There was this man who once met God. He was in awe of His great powers. “Lord, what is a million years to you?” he asked. “My son, a million years is a mere second to me.” “Lord, what is a million dollars to you?” he asked. “A million dollars … Continue reading

Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different if Written by College Students.

Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food. Paul’s Letters to the Romans become Paul’s E-Mail to the … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

Customer Complaint

This one has been around for years, but I doubt many have seen it… it is a real letter written 25 years ago by a Shell customer to the company’s credit card division… ========================================== November 1, 1971 Shell Oil Company Credit Card Division 1703 One Shell Plaza Houston, TX 77002 … Continue reading

The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. — Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. — Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. … Continue reading