600 Pick Lines; Guaranteed to Work (page 3 of 6)

Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot. Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like to? If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me? If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut … Continue reading

In-class Assignment: Tandem Writting

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first … Continue reading

Microsoft Song

(Sung to the tune of ‘Money For Nothing’ By Dire Straits.) I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), Now look at that yoyos, That’s the way you do it, Errors for nothing, And your bugs for free. … Continue reading

Honeymooners

A young couple arrives at a hotel and the desk clerk signs them into the honeymoon suite. 30 minutes later, the groom comes back down stairs and asks the desk clerk, “Is there anything to do around here?” Desk Clerk, “Excuse me, but aren’t you on your honeymoon?” Groom, “Yes?” … Continue reading

The Top 10 Things I Am Doing on Fall Break

Watching every Monty Python movie…again Tearing apart my mother’s 486 and smuggling the parts into the UNIX lab 360 holes of miniature golf Realizing my dream of becoming a male prostitute Making fun on the Norwin School Board…just like the old days Rebuilding Cheese (yeah, right.) Crusing past Pitt-Greensburg and … Continue reading

Techincal Support

The following are a few true excerpts of real technical support inquiries logged over the years. These are not made-up jokes, but actual situations! Read ’em and see what real support should be! The Squeaky Mouse Caller: I would like to speak to someone about a major problem we’re having … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Lawyer’s Revenge

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn’t afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a ’70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch you crotch and drink cheap beer car. … Continue reading

A Consumer Reports Special: Girlfriends

Well it’s been over 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed. As in a car or a computer, you … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Press Any Key to Continue

Rule for software developers. Never stand over the shoulder of a beta tester. Once, I was watching Jane test the latest version of our software. When a message appeared on the screen; Press any key to continue Jane pressed the letter ‘j‘. I thought I was going to have heart … Continue reading

Pick Up Lines; With Answers

I know how to please a woman. Then please leave me alone. I want to give myself to you. Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts. May I see you pretty soon? Don’t you think I’m pretty now? Your hair colour is fabulous. Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the … Continue reading

Dan Quayle

One afternoon, former Vice President Dan Quayle was driving home after picking up his daughter Corrine from school. At a red light, a fellow motorist pulled alongside and rolled down his window. “You’re a double for Dan Quayle!” he shouted. “Gee, I hope I don’t look like that guy,” Quayle … Continue reading

101 Ways To Annoy People

As an expert on the art of annoying and irritating others, I have endeavoured to compile a list of methods I have developed, used, or read about, with which to annoy people. Some are very simple, some take preparation, some are very old and some are new. At least 1/4 … Continue reading

Double Affirmative

PROFESSOR: Although in modern English the double negative is usually taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is _always_ an intensified affirmative. There is no known case of a double affirmative being used as a negative. STUDENT: … Continue reading