Bill And The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he … Continue reading

Laws of Nature (1 of 2)

If nobody uses it, there’s a reason. Interchangeable parts won’t. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. You never find a lost article until you replace it. You get the most of what you need the least. Ralph’s Observation It is a mistake to allow any … Continue reading

50 Ways to Drive Men Crazy

Do not say what you mean. Ever. Be ambiguous. Always. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it’s their fault. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or ago. Make them apologize for everything. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (1 of 3)

Cover your stump before you hump Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Don’t be silly, protect your Willie When in doubt shroud you spout Don’t be a loner, cover your boner You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong If your not going to sack it, go home … Continue reading

25 Thoughts To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis

Indecision is the key to flexibility. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track. There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. … Continue reading

Rabbi Playing Golf

The great Rabbi of a big city is a golf addict. He likes nothing like playing golf on a warm sunny afternoon. Unfortunately, on shabbat, he has to refrain himself. This is a big dilemma for his soul; the temptation to play golf, and the consciousness of doing wrong if … Continue reading

Radically New Learning Tool

A new aid to rapid–almost magical–learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk. The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK. Many advantages are claimed over … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

Murphy’s Laws & Corollaries

(picked these up from all over) ============================================================================ Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. Murphy’s Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy’s Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious Murphy’s Constant: Matter will be damaged in … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

laws

Murphy’s Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious Rudin’s Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. … Continue reading

A Woman’s Little Instruction Book

Excerpts from “A Woman’s Little Instruction Book”… 1. Woman don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself variety. 2. The best reason to divorce a man is for your health: you’ve gotten sick of him. 3. Definition of widowhood: the only good thing some women get … Continue reading

Some neat mathematical proofs

Suppose that a=b. Then a = b a^2 = ab a^2 – b^2 = ab – b^2 (a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b) a + b = b a = 0 ___________________________________________________________________________ And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing… 1$ = 100c = (10c)^2 … Continue reading

Elderly Man

A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench crying. The police drive by and see him. They stop to see what is wrong. Police: “What’s wrong?” Elderly Man: “I’m married to a twenty year old woman.” (Continues to cry) Police: “Sir, that’s nothing to cry about, you … Continue reading

Murphy’s Laws On Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if … Continue reading

Amusing Quotes

smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips sex is like air, its not important unless you aren’t getting any. never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyways if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of? no guts, no glory, … Continue reading

Lifes Little Truths (Part 4)

Fresco’s Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you’d probably be bored. — Fudd’s First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. — Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer

The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers. The infra-red cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners. The … Continue reading

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing … Continue reading

Female; The Rules

The Female always makes THE RULES. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. No Male can possible know all THE RULES. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. The Female is never wrong. If it appears the Female … Continue reading

What time is it?

Ken: What time is it? Len: 2:14 Ken: Not again! Len: What’s wrong? Ken: All day long I’ve been asking people what time it is and everybody gives me a different answer!