The World’s Best Worst Pickup Lines

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Can I borrow a quarter? [“What for?”] I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. OR I want to call your mother and thank her. Is your daddy a thief? [“No.”] … Continue reading

Idiots In The World

Sign in a gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar! I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the … Continue reading

Electricity

As you probably know, electricity is the thing that happens when two clouds rub together. Lightning is produced, and in no time at all lightening conductors are sent by the Electricity Board to direct it to near-by pylons, enormous electrical lamposts found mainly in the countryside. Nowadays we think nothing … Continue reading

Shit Happens in Various World Religions

Religion Shit Happens Taoism Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn’t shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Hare Krishna Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it… (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit. Confucianism … Continue reading

Beer Facts

Beer is apparently cheaper now than it ever was, relative to income. In 1925, a gentleman could spend his weeks pay and get 77 tallies (750 mL bottles). The same gentleman in 1957 could spend his weeks wage on 89 bottles. 1969’s average wage netted 93 bottles of beer, and … Continue reading

Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can’t See It DOS Defective Operating System BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most … Continue reading

Top 10 Surprises in the Winter Olympics

Women’s Hockey is actually a sport (def: “Sport, n.: anything that the U.S. can whoop your ass in”) Southern Baptists protested the two-man-luge because “It just don’t look right” The world found out that Picabo Street isn’t a kids’ show on PBS “Happy” Harada didn’t choke! U.S. Men’s Hockey team … Continue reading

Top 10 Predictions For The 1998 Major League Baseball Playoffs

Sandy Alomar will spit in John Hirschbeck’s face to keep the family tradition alive Jeffrey Mayer will be banned from any Game 6 for the Yankees MLB will lift the ban on Mayer when Steinbrenner signs him to a 15-day contract to play right field for “defensive purposes” Matt Karchner … Continue reading

A love story….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Short Love Story by Garrett Kaminaga Jumper had known Molly Jensen since the moist-eyed days of early youth. Charlie Rickford had teased Jumper about hanging out with girls until Molly beat him up and made him cry in front of Arthur Jones, Jonathan Loo and even Quentin Clarke. … Continue reading

roxanne

Everyone who watched the movie “Roxanne” will recall the scene in a bar where Steve Martin’s character humiliates a wise- guy who has made a rude remark about his nose. The guy is asked if he can’t come up with some wittier remark than he made, and he sarcastically asks … Continue reading

Why Ask Why

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive? Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when … Continue reading

The Countries of Europe (Offensive to Europe)

Country Description ALBANIA Albanians have it rough. Even the beaches are swept by searchlights. Also, how can you trust a country whose only celebrity lives somewhere else? Albania’s sole luminary, Mother Theresa, had to go into Third world charity work to get out of the place. National Pastime :- They … Continue reading

Seven of the World’s Easiest Questions

How long did the Hundred Years War last? In which country are Panama hats made? Where does catgut come from? What is a camel’s hair brush made of? What kind of creatures were the Canary Isles named after? What was King George VI’s first name? What color is a purple … Continue reading

Top 10 Ways America would be Different with Bill Gates as President

Top 10 Ways America would be Different with Bill Gates as President ——————————————————————- 10. Millions of taxpaying nerds would line up outside post offices around the country at 12:01 a.m, on January 1st to be the first ones to mail in their 1040 forms to pay for America ’97. 9. … Continue reading

where are they now?

Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to some famous cartoon characters after they made their big splash. Well, I caught up with a few of them, and these are some of the results: The Grinch Changed his name to Gingrich and became Speaker of the House. Frosty … Continue reading

Life Got You Down?

If you’ve been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are a couple of cool ways to kill yourself. Even if you don’t use these exclusive royalty-free methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don’t be boring and just take sleeping … Continue reading

Budweiser Method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which, of course, is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7… she’s really … Continue reading

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT

* Life is hard and then you nap. * Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours * Variety is the spice of life: One day ignore people, the next day annoy them, and play with them when they’re busy. * Climb your way to the top — that’s … Continue reading

jesus joke

Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: “What’s troubling you, brother?” he said. “My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can’t see.” Jesus touched the man, who ran … Continue reading

Factoids

Factoids * Coca-cola was originally green. * Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. * Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas. * Smartest dogs: 1)border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever * Dumbest: afghan * Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. * Men … Continue reading

Microsoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. “Not you again,” I said. “Sorry,” he said, a little sheepishly. “I guess you know why I’m here.” Indeed I did. Microsoft’s $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally … Continue reading

dating rules for college (contains offensive language)

Dating Rules For College 1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody’s horny. 2. In an imaginary world, “I really like spending time with you” and “you’re cool” mean I REALLY like spending … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading