84 Things You Don’t Want Your System Administrator to Say

Uh-oh… Oh S***! What the heck?!? Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?) That’s SOOOOO bizarre. Wow!! Look at this… Hey!! The Suns don’t do this. Terminated?!? What software license? Well, it’s doing SOMETHING… Wow…that seemed fast… I got a better job at Lockheed… Management says… … Continue reading

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing … Continue reading

A Key to Scientific Research Literature

“It has long been known that…” – I haven’t bothered to look up the reference. “While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions…” – The experiment didn’t work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it. “The W-PO system … Continue reading

Final Exam

Final Exam Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin Immediately. History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philisophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

Learning from Baywatch

What Other Countries Learn About the USA from Baywatch American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

World Religions Explained

Comparative Analysis of World Religious Philosophies —————————————————- Taoism * shit happens Confucianism * Confucius say, “shit happens” Buddhism * shit happening is an illusion Islam * shit happening is the will of Allah Zen * what is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism * this shit has happened before Catholicism … Continue reading

Star Trek With Dilbert Management

What the 24th century would be like under today’s management techniques. After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers “weak”. Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn’t … Continue reading

The Night Before Christmas; Legally Speaking

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, … Continue reading

Top 15 Signs You Have Nothing Todo At Work

The Top 15 Signs You Have Nothing Todo at Work 15> You find yourself looking forward to your next random drug test. 14> You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 1997. 13> The only activity on your calendar? Tuesday/8:00am — Discuss Melrose Place at the water cooler. 12> … Continue reading

Chain Of Command

President Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. . Executive Vice President Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks … Continue reading

How to Clean Up Your Bad Language

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Nonetheless we … Continue reading

You Might Be A Grad Student If…

You just might be a graduate student if… …you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. …your carrel is better decorated than your apartment. …you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet. …you are startled to meet … Continue reading

Reasons To Stay At Work All Night

1) Act out your version of company takeover 2) Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum” 3) Around 3:20am, play connect the dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature. 4) Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land … Continue reading

Four Engineers Travelling In A Car

There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says … Continue reading

Some Interesting and Usefull Sayings…

Indecision is the key to flexibility. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. Sometimes too much drink is not … Continue reading

Aplication to be Ill

APLICATION TO BE ILL (Self – certified) ————————————— This form must be submitted at least 21 days prior to the date upon which you want the illness to commence ———————————————————————- Name:…………………………………………………… Department:……………………………………………… Salary no.:……………………………………………… DATE UPON YOU WHICH YOU WISH ILLNESS TO COMMENCE!:……………

Job Placement Strategy!

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for … Continue reading

Bricklayers Accident

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You said that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient. I am … Continue reading

How Do You Spend Your Time At Work?

Notice to All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn’t a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are … Continue reading