Bill And The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he … Continue reading

Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box. The wheel’s … Continue reading

Shit Happens In Various Professions

Profession Shit Happens Mathematician Shit happening is just a special case… Statistician There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical) Shit SHOULD happen. Physicist (Experimental) To within experimental error, shit DID happen. Engineer I hope this shit holds together. Chemist I hope this shit doesn’t blow … Continue reading

You know It’s Your Last Day At Work When …

You know it’s your last day at work when…. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on … Continue reading

Sexual Harassment Permission Form

Name: _______________________________ SOCIAL SECURITY No: ___________________ ADDRESS: ____________________________ CITY: _________________________________ STAFF ELEMENT: ______________________ HOME PHONE No.: _______________________ MALE: ____________ FEMALE: __________ OFFICE PHONE No.: _____________________ SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male – Female Female – Female Male – Male All of the Above None of the Above – Please Specify: _______________________ I CONSENT … Continue reading

The Fireman, The Physicist, and The Mathematician

Three men are sharing a hotel room – a fireman, a physicist, and a mathematician. In the middle of the night, the fireman gets up to go to the bathroom down the hall, and discovers that there is a fire in a trashcan in the hallway. Immediately, he runs back … Continue reading

Things Todo at Work to Lessen Your Stress

Write hate mail (for those who are *really* stressed: Fax/email hate mail around the world) Tacks & rubber bands= bulletin board art (bonus: earn respect from co-workers who didn’t realize you had taste) Tap dance naked on the conference room table See if you can get everyone in your office … Continue reading

The Software Engineering Approach

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, … Continue reading

An Engineer, A Physicist and A Business Major; Job Interview

Once, an engineer, a physicist and a business major all applied for the same job. The person interviewed all three, and thought all were excellent. He had to think of some way to find the best person. So he told them all to come back the next day and tell … Continue reading

Fly the Friendly Skies

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single … Continue reading

How do you hunt elephants?

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. STATISTICIANS hunt … Continue reading

Car Dealers Wish Comes True

An auto dealer, facing bankruptcy, was walking along a beach when he kicked a bottle and out popped a genie. “Thanks for setting me free, ” said the genie. “To show my appreciation, I’ll grant you one wish.” “Okay,” said the auto dealer, “I want to be the only foreign … Continue reading

Workplace Sanity

How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling … Continue reading

More Coffee, Anyone?

An experiment was conducted recently to determine the effects of numerous cups of coffee on human physiology. The test took place in the bright and well-ventilated offices of a newspaper. Regular automatic-drip coffee was used. The brand name is not mentioned here because of possible pending litigation. The names of … Continue reading

Miscellaneous Rant

ON CLOTHES I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to … Continue reading

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still … Continue reading

Benefits of Getting to Work Early

Imagine- no wait for the copier By 9:00am you’re 6 expressos up on your co-workers Freak out the security guards- wear a ski mask and work in the dark Stand in any corner you want on the elevator No one will be there to beg you to turn down you … Continue reading

Feeling Underpaid?

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game. Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he’ll be making $178,100 a day(working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while asleep. If he … Continue reading

Things Todo At Work

Ways to piddle the day away at work Worry that your shirt isn’t pressed ‘just the way you like it‘ Consider the many, many stores you will visit while shoe shopping during lunch Worship Satan on the bosses’ desk Pace the bathroom mumbling about not wanting to swim Dream about … Continue reading

Sexual Job Descriptions

AI hackers do it artificially. AT&T does it in Long Lines. Accountants do it for profit. Actors do it on stage. Acupuncturists do it with a small prick. Aerobics instructors do it until it hurts. Agents do it undercover. Air Traffic Controllers do it in the dark. Air Traffic Controllers … Continue reading

I’m Tired

Yes, I’m tired! For several years I’ve been blaming it on middle-age, iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under-arm odor, yellow wax build-up, and a dozen other other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living. But now I find out, … Continue reading

Murphy’s Laws On Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if … Continue reading

How To Address a Non-Sexist Business Letter

Let us look at the standard opening phrase of a standard business letter: Dear Sir, Well, this is clearly sexist as it precludes the possibility that a woman is reading the letter. We can try to fix this, however, by writing: Dear Sir/Madam, This was suggested in a recent posting … Continue reading

Things To Be Thankful For

It’s Thanksgiving Day and despite our reputation as a cynic (and that’s the _nicest_ thing they call us), we do have some things to be thankful for: The queen didn’t have more children. The John Bobbitt video hasn’t been picked up as a Fox miniseries. The Vampire wasn’t interviewed by … Continue reading