Microsoft Song

(Sung to the tune of ‘Money For Nothing’ By Dire Straits.) I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), Now look at that yoyos, That’s the way you do it, Errors for nothing, And your bugs for free. … Continue reading

Shit Happens in Other Various Ways

Yuppie Shit It’s my shit! All mine! Isn’t it beautiful? An Employer Shit happens, and rolls down hill. You may only shit during coffee breaks. An Employee I’ve done my shit, so can I take the day off? This shit’s not part of my contract. Environmentalism Shit is biodegradable. Political … Continue reading

The Top 10 Things I Added To “Beast” (my computer)

Beast is my i386DX-25. It will soon be FreeBSD. Vanity mirror 32 GB Ultra-wide SCSI hard drive (yeah, right) 51″ monitor Cup holder that says “8X” Commodore 64 emulator A REAL mouse (It wiggles all over the place when I plug its tail in) Class A IP subnet An IPng … Continue reading

The Top 10 reasons why Micro$oft sucks

The last spell checker that came in Word 97 was in Swahili Paul Allen’s face is the permanent wallpaper in Windows One word: ActiveX They’re not bugs, they’re not features, they’re SECURITY ENHANCEMENTS! Windows saying “this program has performed an illegal operation and will shut down” is as helpful as … Continue reading

Windows Interface to Noncomputer Environments

Windows interface to noncomputer environments I am quite concerned about your recent report detailing what you call problems in extending the Windows interface to products other than computers. The growth of Microsoft is dependent on our ability to extend Windows to every aspect of business, home, and society. After all, … Continue reading

Win95 versus Jesus

If you have half a brain, you can’t help but notice the throng of publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows 95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be? Let’s compare Windows 95 against another Saviour, … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses (viri?) do: 1. They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard … Continue reading

2000.9999 a Pentium Odd-Essay

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL… Open the pod bay door, please, Hal… Hal, do you read me? Affirmative, Dave. I read you. Then open the pod bay doors, HAL. I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect … Continue reading

more better tech support

7. “What kind of hard disk do you have?” Well… It’s black with a little red light … (groan). 8. Most common support call. “I lost my CMOS setup. How many heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?”. 9. “I move the mouse in any direction and the … Continue reading

If operating systems were beer

********************************************************* This Bud’s for you… If Operating Systems Were Beers… DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is … Continue reading

Microsoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. “Not you again,” I said. “Sorry,” he said, a little sheepishly. “I guess you know why I’m here.” Indeed I did. Microsoft’s $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally … Continue reading

Tech Support Gems

Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From? by Jeff Liebermann (jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us) 07/09/94 (All these really happened to me since 1983.) 1. “My hard disk won’t boot”. I suggest they take the floppy out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully removed the floppy … Continue reading

2 * 2

An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?” The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it’s old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces “3.99”. The physicist consults his technical references, sets up … Continue reading

Lightbulbs in the 90s

Q: How many IUS folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: IUS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Ticket Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes … Continue reading

News Flash

News Flash: In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by “Year-M” to be followed by actual 1995. “Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule,” Gates said. “But we couldn’t change … Continue reading

The Top 16 Signs Your Company Is Planning A Layoff

CEO frequently overheard mumbling, “Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe.” Your workday consists of coming in at 10, thinking up Top Five entries with 30 of your coworkers, then leaving at 4. Dr. Kervorkian hired as “Transition Consultant.” Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, “It’s Now Safe to Start Looking for Work.” Company softball team downsized to chess … Continue reading

How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot

Unix: You shoot yourself in the foot. DOS: You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier. MS-Windows: The gun blows up in your hand. Windows NT: The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other. OS/2: The gun and … Continue reading

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. “The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,”recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

Star Trek With Dilbert Management

What the 24th century would be like under today’s management techniques. After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers “weak”. Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn’t … Continue reading