All The Ways To Confuse, Annoy, And Screw With Your Roommate – (page 4 of 4)

Invite your roommate to sleep over. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything. Walk into walls. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!” … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (2 of 3)

Glove your pecker before you check her Coat that slimmer before you prime her Condomize then womanize Cover old pete then grind her meat Guard your peter before you meet her Check your list before you tryst Wrap your bate before you mate Can your worm before you squirm Cover … Continue reading

Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

50 Fun Things for Professors ToDo on the First Day of Class

===================================================== 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises. 2. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690” and mention that yesterday was the last … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (1 of 3)

Cover your stump before you hump Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Don’t be silly, protect your Willie When in doubt shroud you spout Don’t be a loner, cover your boner You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong If your not going to sack it, go home … Continue reading

A Gift For My Sweetheart

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweethearts young sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Elevator Fun (Harmless)

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you … Continue reading

Just Married

A Young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “here put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treat Is Better Than Sex

Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you candy The person you are with doesn’t fantasize … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Another top ten

TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE IS LIKE PRESCHOOL 10. You cry for your mother. 9. You cross the street without looking for cars. 8. Snack time is a necessity. 7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do). … Continue reading

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Streaking

INTEROFFICE MEMO TO: All Office Personnel FROM: Management SUBJECT: Streaking IN VIEW OF NUMEROUS INQUIRIES DEPARTMENT HEADS HAVE HAD AS TO COMPANY POSITION ON “STREAKING” THE MANAGEMENT HAS ADOPTED THE FOLLOWING REGULATIONS: Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days – males on even days. … Continue reading

a brief survey of history (well, parts of this are funny)

WHAT HAPPENED TODAY IN HISTORY? (Inaccurately compiled by:) The JOKEMASTER (Solely irresponsible for inaccuracies) Events —— 732 – The invention of water. 733 – The discovery of water pollution. 1263 – A Hawaiian man, Paiilowmonoii, was the first to discover that man does not survive a leap into an active … Continue reading

Fishheads

Fishheads, Barnes and Barnes 1980 Fishheads fishheads, roly-poly fishheads. Fishheads fishheads, eat them up…YUM! Repeat chorus In the morning, laughing happy fishheads. In the evening, floating in the soup Repeat chorus Ask a fishhead anything you want to. They won’t answer, they can’t talk. Repeat chorus I took a fishhead … Continue reading

Men and Women are NOT Alike

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

you know you’re a consultant …

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process 9. You get all excited it’s Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work 8. Refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 7. Find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons for Trick-or-Treating

Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy. Person you’re with doesn’t fantasize … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

How do they do it ?

Anthropologists do it with culture. Archeologists do it with mummies. Architects do it late. Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl. Bayseians probably do it. Boy Scouts do it in the woods. C++ programmers do it with class. C++ programmers do it with private members and public … Continue reading

FIfty More Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when all his beer is gone. Be convincing. Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!! When ever your girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing her clothes. Hide all your roomate’s stuff and tell him that he never lived with you. … Continue reading