Eeyore; Winnie-the-Pooh – ASCII Art

Eeyore, the old grey donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and looked at himself in the water. ,,”””‘,,;;””””’ ”;, “Pathetic,” he said. ,’, ”,, ,’ ,’ \ “That’s what it is. ,”’ @ ) ) _ ) ll | / / :;;,,,,;;”( | ) ll Pathetic.” __| ( … Continue reading

Top 10 Things You Can Do At A Public Restroom

Write a novel and have the person in the next stall proofread it Perform the Fart Sonata in F minor and ask others for accompaniment Pretend to masturbate and squirt Jergens hand lotion over the partition into the next stall Aim your piss stream so that it bounces in the … Continue reading

The Fireman, The Physicist, and The Mathematician

Three men are sharing a hotel room – a fireman, a physicist, and a mathematician. In the middle of the night, the fireman gets up to go to the bathroom down the hall, and discovers that there is a fire in a trashcan in the hallway. Immediately, he runs back … Continue reading

College Essay

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU. 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU … Continue reading

The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering in California

The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering in California – from a post by Justine Ehlers ********************************************** What They Say What It Means ============= ============= spacious hole in the wall to anyone living in their car that’s why we’re charging $200 above the going rate easy access to Particularly in … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Cool Things Todo In A College Dorm Shower Stall

Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!” Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Religous Golf

One day three people were playing golf. The first person up to the tee was Jesus. He steps up to the tee, lines up his shot, and hits ball as hard as he can. It’s not to good of a shot. It ends up on a lilly pad in the … Continue reading

Clues for Individuals

Clues for Individuals ——————— The following 11 tips based on allegedly true stories reported from observers in the field. 1. If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously … Continue reading

How cold is it? (An Annotated Thermometer)

60 degrees – Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe) 50 degrees – Miami residents turn on the heat 40 degrees – You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 degrees – Italian cars don’t start 32 degrees – Water freezes 30 degrees – You plan … Continue reading

Kids Ideas About Science

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.’ Question: What is one horsepower? … Continue reading

The Glass Is Half Full

Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Realist: The glass is. Idealist: The glass should be full. Feminist: My glass seems LESS full than HIS glass. Environmentalist: Save the water. Anarchist: Break the glass! Capitalist: Let’s sell the glass. Chemist: It’s 50% H2O, 40% N2 … Continue reading

Diagnosis

A fella complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that! There’s a computer in the lobby of the local Kaiser hospital that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than even their own doctors or nurse practitioners. Simply … Continue reading

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art by Bud Herron Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk – dislodging the dirt where it hides … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

a brief survey of history (well, parts of this are funny)

WHAT HAPPENED TODAY IN HISTORY? (Inaccurately compiled by:) The JOKEMASTER (Solely irresponsible for inaccuracies) Events —— 732 – The invention of water. 733 – The discovery of water pollution. 1263 – A Hawaiian man, Paiilowmonoii, was the first to discover that man does not survive a leap into an active … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Churches Don’t Ask Clown Ministries to Return

10. They force people to smile during the 8 am service. 9. It’s hard to say with dignity, “The sermon today will be given by Brother Umpa-Doody.” 8. Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under the pew cushions. 7. Sermons take a lot longer when they are in pantomime. 6. Clowns wearing … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician Solve a Problem

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then … Continue reading

Motor Cars Vs Pedestrians

We often hear motor cars criticized. Safety experts say they are dangerous. Ecologists tell us they pollute the air. Economists claim cars are responsible for U.S. trade deficits and high energy costs. Social Scientists blame them for the deterioration of our inner cities. And aesthetes damn them for roadside blight. … Continue reading

Jesus and Moses in a Boat

Moses and Jesus are floating on the sea in a small boat. They talk for a while about the good ol’ days. Jesus thinks for a second and says to Moses, “Do you think you still have the touch?”. Moses looks at him and shrugs, “Dunno. Let me try.” So … Continue reading

The Power Of Faith In A Flood

Abner Jones was a poor tenant who lived in a shack by the river. One day it started to rain. It rained and rained, then it started to pour, and the river began rising. Soon the water was up to Abners knees. A boat appeared. The man in the boat … Continue reading