Story of The ultimate software

Finally there came a day that a software genius developed an all-purpose logic program which managed to incorporate all of the world’s knowledge in its extensive disk storage. After installing the software successfully in the fastest processor available, and using the processors’ voice capabilities, he asked the ultimate question: IS … Continue reading

cecil

A burgular was wandering round the living room of a house, collecting swag, as burgulars do…when he heard a voice say “STOP THAT OR JESUS WILL PUNISH YOU…”, he thought nothing of it and carried on collecting swag, and the the voice spoke up again…”STOP THAT OR JESUS WILL PUNISH … Continue reading

psychiatric hotline

RING…… RING…… RING…… CLICK Recording – “Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.” If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you … Continue reading

Psych Experiment

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, “Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?” In a strident voice she responded, “How dare you make such a proposition to me!” The man snapped to attention … Continue reading

Golf Jokes

A father spoke to his son, “It’s time we had a little talk, my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you’ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else.” He added, “But … Continue reading

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

How to get rid of door-to-door missionaries

How to get rid of Door-to-door Missionaries ————————————– * A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of The Watchtower scattered around… * My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very sweet voice): “I’m sorry, I don’t give a damn about … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Passing the Exam

A TRUE STORY (FROM DARTMOUTH) A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. “I would do *anything* to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, … Continue reading

lost in a canyon

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, “I’ve got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far.” So he leans over the basket and yells … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading