Gen A Sys

In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form and void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence. “I be” he said, then to correct his grammar added “am.” If the Lord had decided to work on irregular verb conjugation first, this … Continue reading

A guide to Man-Machine Interface Terminology

USER-FRIENDLY C>DUR Command not found. Try retyping. USER-HELPFUL C>DUR I don’t understand DUR. Do you mean DIR? USER-UNFRIENDLY C>DUR C>DUR C>DUR C>DUR C>DUR (Eventually you realise nothing is actually happening, or not as the case may be..) USER-HOSTILE C>DUR Ha! A mistake! I’m sure you meant to say FORMAT so … Continue reading

Top 10 Things I Learned during my first week at the TitaNet Help Desk

Users don’t like being spoken to in Pig Latin (uzzy-scay?) The average user thinks that USB, IDE, and PCI are government agencies Dilbert is pretty well-off There is no way to convert the following to something that Novell Netware understands: kill -9 `ps -augx | grep $LUSERNAME | awk ‘{ … Continue reading

User Friendly: C Prompt

At the C prompt…. USER-FRIENDLY ————- C:> DUR Command not found. Try retyping USER-HELPFUL ———— C:> DUR I don’t understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ? USER-UNFRIENDLY ————— C:> DUR C:> DUR C:> DUR C:> DUR USER-HOSTILE ———— C:> DUR Ha! A mistake! I’m sure you meant to say FORMAT, … Continue reading

a toaster

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. “What do you think this is?” One advisor, an … Continue reading

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses (viri?) do: 1. They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard … Continue reading

Radically New Learning Tool

A new aid to rapid–almost magical–learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk. The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK. Many advantages are claimed over … Continue reading

Microsoft acquires another ………..

MICROSOFT to Acquire LDS Church SALT LAKE CITY (AP)- In a surprise move that left competitors stunned, Microsoft has followed up its successful merger with the Roman Catholic Church by announcing a cash buyout of the Church of Jesus Christ-Latter Day Saints. In recent weeks, high officials of the LDS … Continue reading

Product Warnings For Physicists

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Hacking the Jargon Jungle

Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle When I went to college in the 1980’s, I heard a lot of words like “data input” and “beta version.” They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry. Now that I’ve worked … Continue reading

Lightbulbs in the 90s

Q: How many IUS folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: IUS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Ticket Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes … Continue reading

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. “The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,”recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

How to Install Software

A 12-Step Program” by Dave Barry from his new book “Dave Barry In Cyberspace” 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this: SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

Dilbert – The New Sex Symbol Of The `90s

by Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com) I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip “Dilbert.” Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans — that sort of person. But a growing number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. … Continue reading