Top Condom Slogans (3 of 3)

Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle Can your knob then throb her swab Contain old Doug then clean her rug Cover your limb before you swim Retain your bailer then impail her Rope your dope then make some soap Net your salamander then make salad in her Cap your … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (2 of 3)

Glove your pecker before you check her Coat that slimmer before you prime her Condomize then womanize Cover old pete then grind her meat Guard your peter before you meet her Check your list before you tryst Wrap your bate before you mate Can your worm before you squirm Cover … Continue reading

In-class Assignment: Tandem Writting

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first … Continue reading

Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box. The wheel’s … Continue reading

Are you in the market for a new toaster?

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. … Continue reading

The Reverend John Fuzz

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something … Continue reading

Quotes and Sayings (2 of 2)

The Annuual Conference of Clairvoyants has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. The English country gentleman galloping after a fox – the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable. The first three minutes of your life can be dangerous … The last three can be pretty dodgy too! The meek shall … Continue reading

Offensive Jokes

Why are chickens so ugly? You would be too if you have a pecker hanging out of your forehead. Where do you get virgin wool? From ugly sheep. What’s green and smells like pork? Kermit’s middle finger. What’s the brown stuff between elephant’s toes? Slow natives. What do you get … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (1 of 3)

Cover your stump before you hump Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Don’t be silly, protect your Willie When in doubt shroud you spout Don’t be a loner, cover your boner You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong If your not going to sack it, go home … Continue reading

An Engineer, A Physicist and A Business Major; Job Interview

Once, an engineer, a physicist and a business major all applied for the same job. The person interviewed all three, and thought all were excellent. He had to think of some way to find the best person. So he told them all to come back the next day and tell … Continue reading

Top 10 Reason Why TV Is Better Than The Web

It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Not Found 404” message? There are fewer grating color schemes on TV. Even on MTV. The family never argues over which Web site … Continue reading

Picture This

The British Government’s policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called “Proxy Fathers”. Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

How The Angel Got To Be On Top Of The Christmas Tree

It just happened to be one of those dreadful days for Santa… It started of when he woke up groaning with a dreadful headache. But with so many things to do before Christmas Eve a few days later, there was no way that he could permit himself time to rest. … Continue reading

Getting My Daily Exercise

One day this moron passed a guy jumping up and down on a man-hole cover. The moron noticed that the guy was saying “21…21…21…21…”. The moron stopped and watched and after awhile, said, “Duh, het buddy, whatcha doin?” “21…21…21…Getting my daily exercise…21…21…21…” “Duh, ohhh. Can I try?” “21…21…21…Sure.” The guy … Continue reading

Armed Forces Joke

One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver. So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, “Sailor, catch that falling anchor!” The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, “Yes, sir!”, runs under the … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

How cold is it? (An Annotated Thermometer)

60 degrees – Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe) 50 degrees – Miami residents turn on the heat 40 degrees – You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 degrees – Italian cars don’t start 32 degrees – Water freezes 30 degrees – You plan … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Kids Ideas About Science

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.’ Question: What is one horsepower? … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

The Pope and a Lawyer in Heaven

The pope and a lawyer died together and met together at the pearly gates. St Peter motioned them both to  follow as he walked down a silvery road. The houses were rather meagre along the road. St Peter eventually motioned the Pope to a simple one roomed house where he … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

2nd Graders Drawing

There was a class of second graders. For their assignment, the teacher decided that they would draw a class picture, where each pupil draws something on the picture, then hands it to the next pupil who will Add to it. So the teacher starts off by giving the blank sheet … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading