Top 10 Reasons To Date a Computer Geek

0000 You don’t have to worry about X-girlfriends 0001 You know they’ll be up all night long. 0010 They take virus protection seriously. 0011 They’re just like a network, they often go down on you. 0100 They don’t BYTE (but they do NIBBLE a little) 1010 They may just live … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductions

“Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono” “I’m sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless they’re Bill Wyman’s date” “Jerry Garcia couldn’t make it tonight — here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street” “Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’re Spending Too Much Time Surfing Web Sites

Your opening line is: “So what’s your home page address?” Your best friend is someone you’ve never met. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Web … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Phillies’ Fans Could Welcome a Strike

No more Businesspersons’ Specials = No Blue Hats.. Idle Phanatic is a great moneysaver. Who can’t use another really absorbent bathmat? Working Triple-A team more familiar than Big Phils this year anyhow. “Magic Number” to elimination would have been too difficult to calculate this early. Your kid’s Little League team … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman Is Actually The Devil

He helps customers sitting in front of him and in back of him by spinning his head around His store has big Hitler’s Birthday sale Offers you 15% off if you sell him your soul Name of store: “Thom McAngel of Death” When you tell him you don’t like a … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At Roseanne’s Wedding

“Honey, don’t you think we should leave some cake for the guests?” “Friends of the bride and bridegroom sit to the left, tabloid reporters posing as guests, sit to the right” “Man — that Boutros Boutros can really dance!” “I like this place. I hope she has her next wedding … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer

The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers. The infra-red cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners. The … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’ve Lost Control Of Your Country

At big public ceremonies, secret service guys play keep-away with your hat People see you at the self-service pump filling up your pacer Sharp drop in sales of “Yeltsersizer” workout machine Stolichnaya withdraws its corporate sponsorship of your presidency You misspell “potato” and no one cares Your mother asks if … Continue reading

Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different if Written by College Students.

Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food. Paul’s Letters to the Romans become Paul’s E-Mail to the … Continue reading

The Top Ten Changes If Starfleet Had Sponsors

O’Brien would say “Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely,  positively have to get there instantly” Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say “Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation Main bridge viewscreen would have “VH1” in the corner Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex!

You can usually find someone to do it with. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has … Continue reading

Top Ten Subtle Differences Between Grad School and Hell

10. It doesn’t rain in Hell. 9. Everyone has heard of Hell. 8. It’s a lot more fun getting into Hell. 7. You can’t fail out of Hell. 6. At least you can sleep in Hell. 5. Hell is forever; grad school just seems like it. 4. People smile in … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Why The Three Stooges Could Easily Take Command of the Enterprise

10) Troi would not comprehend their emotions: “Captain, I sense…whoo! whoo! …You numbskull…. Why, I oughta…” 9) Riker will be reduced to tears when they call him “Fat Boy.” 8) Transporter. Cream pie. You get the picture. 7) Curly could jam turbolifts with his head, rendering security unable to leave … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

Tickling Trivia

1. What’s in front of a woman and back of a cow? The letter W 2. What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? A coconut 3. What’s about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it and … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Bobbitt Trial

10. “Who ordered the Diet Slice?” 9. “Could Your Honor instruct juror no. 4 to stop giggling?” 8. “Mr. Bobbitt, please rise” 7. “I paid $500 for this ticket, now deemed, I want to see Streisand sing!” 6. “What’s Andrew Giuliani doing here?” 5. “One million bucks. All you’ve gotta … Continue reading

Star Trek Top Ten April Fool’s Jokes on the Enterprise

Everybody act like Riker is the captain Pretend you’ve been taken over by an alien being Program the replicator in Troi’s room so that it won’t make chocolate Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him Put a small speaker … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs That It Is Too Damn Cold

People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River Times Square strip clubs advertising “Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!” Mario Cuomo making a fortune shovelling walks Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Why Scooby Doo was a Drug Influenced Cartoon

Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies. Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him. Scooby and Shaggy … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs Your New Governor is Nuts

Changes name of capital to “Funkytown.” To prove he’s tough on crime he has himself executed. Calls an emergency staff meeting and declares war on Nebraska. If left alone, will eat every document on his desk. Won’t return phone call of the best damn mayor of the best damn city … Continue reading