Top Ten Surprises in the New Version of Star Wars

Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian Land speeders replaced with bitchin’ pink Miatas Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker’s wacky Mexican caddy Darth Vader’s voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the … Continue reading

Top Ten Uses For A Deceased PC

Even the most devoted computer junkie cannot hold on to a machine forever. When that box on your desktop finally kicks it, don’t despair–there are always a few uses for a dead PC: Remove the fan and use it to keep cool during heat waves. Hard drives with more than … Continue reading

Top 10 Sexually Tilted Lines in “Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back”

“And I thought they smelled bad…on the *outside*!” “Possible he came in through the south entrance.” “I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?” “Hurry up, golden-rod…” “That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a … Continue reading

Top Seven Ways To Balance The Budget

Stop paying Clinton speechwriters by the word Get Letterman to pay his speeding tickets Serve canned hams at all White House state dinners Save government ink by replacing long “William Jefferson Clinton” signature with 70% shorter “Bob Dole” signature Make Gore and Gingrich pay for those good seats at State … Continue reading

Top Ten Things O.J. Simpson Had To Take Care Of Today

Plant bloody “thank you” note at Mark Fuhrman’s place Buy wedding gift for Michael and Lisa Marie Ask Johnnie Cochran who the hell was that guy in the courtroom with the knit hat Buy new gloves Watch tape of Academy Awards to see if Letterman was as bad as everyone … Continue reading

10 Ways to Make Your Neighbors Move

Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!”. Then point at each one … Continue reading

Top Ten Rejected Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Lines

“One small step for man. 10 million frequent flyer miles for me” “When I spit, it floats upward” “This is the most corniest thing I’ve ever done” “A special Thank You to a youngster named Dave Letterman who knit us the special space socks” “Hey! I can see Rush Limbaugh … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman Is Actually The Devil

He helps customers sitting in front of him and in back of him by spinning his head around His store has big Hitler’s Birthday sale Offers you 15% off if you sell him your soul Name of store: “Thom McAngel of Death” When you tell him you don’t like a … Continue reading

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)

I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”) There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my dad) I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.) My … Continue reading

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

Drink molasses ’til you heave Wet bonnet contest Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy Buttermilk keggar Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin’ Clydesdale Get a tattoo: “Born to raise barns” Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers Sleep ’til 6 … Continue reading

Good Things About Getting Adopted by the Clintons

Instead of an allowance, you get a slush fund Can tell the other kids, “My Dad’s Secret Service agents can kick your dad’s ass” “Uncle Al” Gore always has lots of free time to play You can finally stop working in Kathie Lee’s sweatshop Get to hang out with all … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At Roseanne’s Wedding

“Honey, don’t you think we should leave some cake for the guests?” “Friends of the bride and bridegroom sit to the left, tabloid reporters posing as guests, sit to the right” “Man — that Boutros Boutros can really dance!” “I like this place. I hope she has her next wedding … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer

The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers. The infra-red cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners. The … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons for Trick-or-Treating

Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy. Person you’re with doesn’t fantasize … Continue reading

More Benefits of Getting to Work Early

Sit on your fully inflated Haemorrhoid comfort tube without fear of ridicule. Rifle your colleague’s desks for their payslips. Then, when suitably angry, swap the slips of the lowest & highest earners. Grunt freely & enthusiastically whilst on the lavatory. Swap the smoothest mouse in the building for yours which … Continue reading

The Top Ten Changes If Starfleet Had Sponsors

O’Brien would say “Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely,  positively have to get there instantly” Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say “Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation Main bridge viewscreen would have “VH1” in the corner Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron … Continue reading

Top Ten Rejected Disney Movie Titles

“101 Snoop Doggy Doggs” “Beauty and the Baldwin Brother” “Minnie’s Battle with Helium Addiction” “Newt!: The Musical” “Old Yeller Hops the White House Fence” “Barry White and the Seven Dwarfs” “Mickey the Dismissed Juror” “Fievel Visits a Gay Disco” “The Parent Trap ’95, Starring Lyle and Erik Menendez” “Swiss Family … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex!

You can usually find someone to do it with. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has … Continue reading

Learning from Baywatch

What Other Countries Learn About the USA from Baywatch American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Why Scooby Doo was a Drug Influenced Cartoon

Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies. Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him. Scooby and Shaggy … Continue reading