The Top 10 reasons why Micro$oft sucks

The last spell checker that came in Word 97 was in Swahili Paul Allen’s face is the permanent wallpaper in Windows One word: ActiveX They’re not bugs, they’re not features, they’re SECURITY ENHANCEMENTS! Windows saying “this program has performed an illegal operation and will shut down” is as helpful as … Continue reading

Another 10 Bumper Stickers

“Disney World – A people trap operated by a mouse” “Wanted: women, no experience necessary. Contact Mars.” “I love cats. They taste just like chicken” “If it weren’t for politicians, we wouldn’t need assault rifles!” “Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician” “Lead me not into temptation…I can find it myself” … Continue reading

Top 10 Uses For An America Online CD-ROM

Gifts for stupid users Extra-large washer (for bolts’n’nat) Emory wheel Toilet paper substitute Stress relief device Soft drink coaster Rear view mirror Unix Lab frisbee Public service poster: “Friends don’t let friends use AOL” Real ISP torture device

Top 10 “Features” of Windows 98

Each new copy comes with heavy-duty shrinkwrap Disk protection unit keeps other operating systems from invading your disk (like them systems by them long-haired freaks 🙂 Default background is Bill Gates’ face Free 10 minutes of Internet connection Prevents users of non-Intel products from doing anything Support for every device … Continue reading

The Top 10 Things I Am Doing on Fall Break

Watching every Monty Python movie…again Tearing apart my mother’s 486 and smuggling the parts into the UNIX lab 360 holes of miniature golf Realizing my dream of becoming a male prostitute Making fun on the Norwin School Board…just like the old days Rebuilding Cheese (yeah, right.) Crusing past Pitt-Greensburg and … Continue reading

Top 10 Bombshells in THE STARR REPORT

In 1986, Al Gore was replaced with an android Monica’s pet name for Clinton’s penis is “Skin Force One” Donna Shalala is actually a bastard daughter of Marge Schott Hillary and Janet Reno are lovers Hidden cameras were planted throughout the Oval Orifice Office by Jerry Springer Monica Lewinsky is … Continue reading

Top 10 Excuses for Not Doing Math Homework

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames Gottfried Leibniz’s birthday I couldn’t actually reach my notebook…I could only get arbitrarily close to it I had a proof, but there wasn’t enough room to write it in this margin I got tied up watching the World Series … Continue reading

Top Ten Bob Dole Complaints About Hollywood

Why pay seven bucks to see boozing and adultery when you can watch Democrats for free? No Academy Award for grouchiest Senator Not enough Fonzie In “Don Juan DeMarco,” Marlon Brando shows way too much cleavage Those “Baywatch” babes never seem to get it on with conservative old coots Why … Continue reading

Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses

10. Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed 9. Too much caffeine 8. What can I say? I love a good joke 7. That’s what he gets for hoggin’ the remote control 6. Took Bob Barker’s constant “spaying and neutering” reminders to their logical conclusion 5. I was trying … Continue reading

Things Todo at Work to Lessen Your Stress

Write hate mail (for those who are *really* stressed: Fax/email hate mail around the world) Tacks & rubber bands= bulletin board art (bonus: earn respect from co-workers who didn’t realize you had taste) Tap dance naked on the conference room table See if you can get everyone in your office … Continue reading

The Student Mind During A Final Exam

As finals week draws near, I thought “us” college students could use a little refresher on how to take a test……enjoy The last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity 10% The prof. never covered this section! 10% Actual knowledge on the subject. 10% The T.A.’s kinda cute! 10% I knew … Continue reading

Signs You’ve Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Leaves

He charges you by the leaf Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them. Says, “This’ll just take a minute,” and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline. Your neighbor calls and asks, “Who’s that … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs That You Are Not Going To Choose A Second Date

TOP TEN SIGNS that your meeting/date with a man has hit the skids: Three minutes after he starts giving you a tour of his house, he asks you if it looks nice enough to move into. “Has anybody told you what lovely blue eyes you have?” When in fact they … Continue reading

Top 10 Reason Why TV Is Better Than The Web

It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Not Found 404” message? There are fewer grating color schemes on TV. Even on MTV. The family never argues over which Web site … Continue reading

Top 10 Strange Things About The O.J. Trial

O.J. had to be acquitted in order for all the networks to have ongoing series based on the subject. Check your Fall listings. Sales of the popular Isotoner gloves have increased 368%. Release of the new “Bloodstained” Isotoner glove series has been announced in time for Christmas. In honour of … Continue reading

Top 10 New Slogans For ValueJet Airlines

Safety inspections…we don’t need no stinkin’ safety inspections. We cut back on maintenance so we can pass the savings along to you. The official airline of the Hemlock Society. Experience the Everglades up close. Our pilots are younger than our planes. Our fares are almost as low as our cruising … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treat Is Better Than Sex

Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you candy The person you are with doesn’t fantasize … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductions

“Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono” “I’m sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless they’re Bill Wyman’s date” “Jerry Garcia couldn’t make it tonight — here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street” “Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons The U.S. Is The Best Country On Earth

No dress code We’ve invented this cool holiday where all we do is blow up stuff Even a really, really dumb guy can host a talk show Guess what nation drank the most root beer last year? France? Think again, Buddy! Barney can beat the crap out of Mr. Blobby … Continue reading

Top 10 Things You’ll Never Hear a Woman Say

What do you mean today’s our anniversary? Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. Ohh, this diamond is way too big! And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends”. … Continue reading

Benefits of Getting to Work Early

Imagine- no wait for the copier By 9:00am you’re 6 expressos up on your co-workers Freak out the security guards- wear a ski mask and work in the dark Stand in any corner you want on the elevator No one will be there to beg you to turn down you … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons OJ is Such An Avid Golfer

Get to wear nicely tight-fitting gloves. An easy drive down the fairway doesn’t attract as much attention as an easy drive down the freeway. You don’t have to race home when you’re finished. If you say you were practising your golf swing, people believe you immediately. Slice all you want … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’re Spending Too Much Time Surfing Web Sites

Your opening line is: “So what’s your home page address?” Your best friend is someone you’ve never met. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Web … Continue reading