Top 10 Surprises in the Winter Olympics

Women’s Hockey is actually a sport (def: “Sport, n.: anything that the U.S. can whoop your ass in”) Southern Baptists protested the two-man-luge because “It just don’t look right” The world found out that Picabo Street isn’t a kids’ show on PBS “Happy” Harada didn’t choke! U.S. Men’s Hockey team … Continue reading

Top 10 Changes I Forsee for 1999

We might just have a decent CS program soon Keith Olbermann will get pissed at Fox Sports and return to ESPN The Apocalypse wil occur in Washington when the Whore of Babylon rides into DC on the Serpent (let Babylon=Southern CA, Whore=Monica Lewinsky, The serpent=I’ll leave to your imagination) I’ll … Continue reading

Top 10 Corollaries of Murphy’s Law

The more you enjoy your job, the greater the probability you’ll be laid off The bell always tolls for thee–when you have two overdue payments The more you want a beer, the more expensive it gets The woman you’re trying to pick up in the bar is either married to … Continue reading

Top 10 Beers That Never Made It

Flora — Beer made from daffodils and tulips Meltdown — a 5.4% beer — 5.4% H2SO4 Kill Nine — The beer for system administrators (“Kill nine lusers, tapes, and/or brain cells“) Schitz — Schlitz without the ‘l’, but it tastes the same George Michael’s Cream Ale — no explaination necessary … Continue reading

The Top 10 Ways You Can Tell If You’re An Engineering Student

Your standard pick-up line is, “Hey, baby, what’s your URL?” Your car’s oil filter is made out of toilet paper Your graphing calculator has more computing power than a Pentium 200 You window-shop at Radio Shack You’ve ever debated who was a better captain… Kirk or Picard You own more … Continue reading

Top 10 People We Want As The New CS Professor

Jordan Hubbard (This is a Berkeley-style school) Richard Stallman (Why not?) Jim Gosling (if we’re gonna learn Java, we might as well hear it from the man himself) Brian Kernighan (C. Nuff Said.) Bill Joy (Sun. Nuff Said.) Larry Wall (Perl. Ditto.) Rob Pike (See his quote on my quotepage.) … Continue reading

Top 10 Shockers Clinton Will Give To Ken Starr’s Grand Jury

Roger Clinton is actually an adept hacker and wrote UUCP….Unix-to-Unix Cocaine Protocol “I felt Paula Jones’ pain….she had a toothache” Chelsea is actually Bill & “Ginger Spice”‘s love child He grows pot in the Rose Garden Vernon Jordan is Nicole & Ron’s “Real Killer” Monica owns six pairs of knee-pads … Continue reading

Top 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your System Administrator Say

Yes, I chowned all files belonging to [lusername] to bin.bin. Is this a problem? Nobody was using that file /vmunix, right? What’s this pound sign on my terminal mean? Is there a version of VMS for Sparc? Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory off of … Continue reading

Top 10 Predictions for the Pittsburgh Pirates during 1998

Tony Womack will steal 80 bases and put Delano DeShields and Deion Whats-his-name to shame Lloyd McClendon will get pissed if nobody gets a hit, so he’ll hit for himself Out of the blue, Al Martin will be the one to beat Maris’ home run record Cordova will win 20 … Continue reading

The Top 10 signs that Don Dare is going nuts

Schedules proctors for Econ/Bus. computer lab for 36 hours straight Recently decided to return back to his previous job as tenured student Started giving promotions on the basis of bribe money Now trying out “bondage & discipline” on the proctors Throws M-80s in Paul Wallace’s office Takes apart computers with … Continue reading

The Top 10 mistakes I made in Spain

Trying to sneak in three pounds of C4 in my backpack Pissing on the gate at the Royal Palace in Madrid Getting drunk and claiming Jose Maria Olazabal was a pansy Trying to say “Wednesday” (miercoles) and end up saying “shit” (mierda) Anonymously crank-calling the American Embassy to tell them … Continue reading

Top 10 Things You Can Do At A Public Restroom

Write a novel and have the person in the next stall proofread it Perform the Fart Sonata in F minor and ask others for accompaniment Pretend to masturbate and squirt Jergens hand lotion over the partition into the next stall Aim your piss stream so that it bounces in the … Continue reading

Top 10 Things I’m Doing On Spring Break

Hacking root on Keystone and performing a kill -9 1 Contemplating why the college is raising tuition by 6%…oops…we’re not supposed to know that yet… Deciphering the secret language spoken by Kenny on South Park Leading a commando unit to capture the Rolling Rock brewery in Latrobe Badgering Westmoreland Online … Continue reading

Top 10 Quotes (so far) of James E. Hall, Professor of Mathematics

It’s slicker than you-know-what. Only the numbers have been changed to protect the innocent. You can do everything with that matrix except pick your own “A” It’s slicker than snot on a doorknob. I have a penchant for defective systems I’m sure will have to give Group VI a 6×6 … Continue reading

Top 10 Things That The “98” In Windows 98 Stands For

The number of megs a minimum installation takes up The minimum CPU use percentage at any given time The maximum number of minutes it takes for it to crash The minimum number of minutes it takes for a frustrated user to reformat the drive and put FreeBSD on it The … Continue reading

Top 10 (so to speak) Oval Office Sexual Positions

Bill at desk, Monica underneath with knee-pads Bill on red telephone, Kenneth Starr in Grand Jury Bill on couch, Secret Service stacked up outside Bill on floor, Linda with strap-on…microphone Bill at desk, Jerry Springer on TV Bill at desk, Buddy the dog….ooh, let’s not go there Bill at desk … Continue reading

Top 10 Signs The Apocalypse Is Upon Us

The Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowel in their first year of re-existance. Dennis Ritchie accepts an offer to teach at WC Clinton gets locked in the Lincoln Bedroom with his wife for three weeks W3C changes the HTTP specification to use troff Congress finds a House Speaker that doesn’t … Continue reading

Top 10 Surprises in the 1997 National Football League Season

Jerry Rice hinted that he might be mortal Art Modell admitted that he’s an ass Barry Sanders is really Steve Urkel The Dallas Cowboys are two felonies short of their annual average Al Davis admitted that Super Bowl MVP’s aren’t all they’re cracked up to be Tom Coughlin holds sensitivity … Continue reading

Top 10 Ways The Pittsburgh Steelers are Getting REVENGE

Lending the Packers our Jason Gildon for the Super Bowl Piping in water from Tijuana into the Broncos’ hotel rooms in San Diego Tom Donahoe’s withholding all paychecks until they beat the Broncos again Chartering a flight to Foxboro to beat up on the Pats again (stress relief) Coating the … Continue reading

Top 10 Predictions For The 1998 Major League Baseball Playoffs

Sandy Alomar will spit in John Hirschbeck’s face to keep the family tradition alive Jeffrey Mayer will be banned from any Game 6 for the Yankees MLB will lift the ban on Mayer when Steinbrenner signs him to a 15-day contract to play right field for “defensive purposes” Matt Karchner … Continue reading

Top 10 Things I Learned during my first week at the TitaNet Help Desk

Users don’t like being spoken to in Pig Latin (uzzy-scay?) The average user thinks that USB, IDE, and PCI are government agencies Dilbert is pretty well-off There is no way to convert the following to something that Novell Netware understands: kill -9 `ps -augx | grep $LUSERNAME | awk ‘{ … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons Why December Sucks

December + New Wilmington, PA = 3 feet of snow Post-Christmas Letdown Have to start worrying about those damned W-2’s, W-4’s and W-9’s again Computers shut down around this time – like Keystone I catch my annual stomach virus Two words: frozen highways Getting picked up by police for public … Continue reading

Top 10 Things We’re Doing To “Farm”

Farm = IBM PS/2 with a 386SX-20. Runs NetBSD. Currently sits in the UNIX lab. Putting a 2 TB drive in it Grafting the motherboard to Keith Niedfeldt’s stomach Make it the biggest kick-ass Usenet server anywhere! Throwing it off the top of Hoyt Using it to play Rugby Running … Continue reading

Top 10 Thoughts Put Forth By George Carlin

“Live and let live, that’s my motto. Anyone who doesn’t like it, take him out and shoot the motherf*cker.” “…And once you think you’ve gotten in a good lane on the road, you get behind the worst car of all…a Volvo station wagon…diesel. Here’s a safety freak who’s going to … Continue reading