Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Betther Than Jesus

No one will kill you for not drinking beer. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex. Beer has never caused a major war. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves. When you have beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away. … Continue reading

Top 10 Things That Will Change Now That Mark McGwire Has Hit

George Will has something else to talk about than Clinton, Gore, and Gephardt #62 will be replayed every year until someone breaks it in 30-odd years The Cardinals *might* not suck anymore Sosa will get back to the business of getting the Cubs to the playoffs The nation will join … Continue reading

Top 10 Ways To Kill Kenny McCormick

Ends up in the business end of a snowblower He gets kicked in the nuts by a velociraptor Cartman sits on him Three words: Spontaneous human combustion Chef mistakes his head for a tangerine Gets caught in the middle of an English soccer brawl Weird Genetic Engineer gives Kenny four … Continue reading

Top 10 reasons why Iron City Beer is far superior to all others

Made from the great, mineral-rich waters of the Monongahela Free $20 bill that “Joe” slips into every can Every 6-pack has at least one can with Jack Daniels mixed in Instead of hops from the Midwest, it has the Hill District’s own home-grown pot It makes people like Mayor Sophie … Continue reading

Top 10 Things That Will Auctioned Off Next

Evander Holyfield’s ear Bits and Pieces of a US Hockey Team hotel room A set of banned Minnesota Timberwolves’ too-long shorts The Wilt Chamberlain Condom Collection Prime Ribs and Sirloins from the previous Bevos 100 spit-soaked towels of Jerry Tarkenian Jim McMahon’s acupuncture needles Every commercial John Madden has ever … Continue reading

The Top 10 ways the NFL is planning to cut down on injuries

Make the field out of foam rubber Coat every player’s body with Teflon so nobody can touch them Give out free vials of crack to all Dallas Cowboys who make it through a game without injury Replace all defensive linemen with Westminster’s professors Replace all offensive linemen with mandrills Make … Continue reading

Top 10 Products That Were Rejected By The Acme Company

Acme Bottled Mexican Water Acme Sulphuric Acid Mouthwash Acme Disintegrating Curling Brooms Acme Joey Buttafuoco Costume Acme Exploding Operating System (later licensed to Micro$oft) Acme Genuine Cactus Underwear Acme Do-It-Yourself Home Triple-Bypass Heart Surgery Kit Acme Dog Turd Novelty (made with real dog turd) Acme Salmon-flavored Instant Breakfast Drink Acme … Continue reading

Top 10 Things I Love About NBA Lockout ’98

No mention of Latrell Spreewell at any given time Them witty Sprite commecials More TV time going to Japanese mud wrestling The rookies that will soon flood the minor league baseball system for extra dough 66% less press coverage of Dennis Rodman Clyde Drexler laughing all the way to Houston … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons Why Clint Beham Left Westminster

The Grim Reaper scared him away T1 just wasn’t fast enough Didn’t want to drink the required amount of alcohol for CS majors There’s these pesky things called “classes” that were getting in the way of his mudding He figured he wasn’t ready for college…or college wasn’t ready for him … Continue reading

Top 10 Things Professors Say (and what they really mean!)

What the Progessor Says What they mean 10% of your grade is based on class participation. You are putty in my hands. The tests are all true & false and multiple choice. Questions are straight from the study guide and grad students grade everything. Do not come to class in … Continue reading

Top 10 Reactions Of The American People About The Clinton Impeachment Inquiry

“This week’s made-for-TV movie: On My Knees, The Monica Lewinsky story” “You mean we’re paying these guys to look into Monica giving blowjobs to Clinton?” “Will this be on Springer?” “At least it gives Tim Russert and Sam Donaldson something to do” “When will the movie be released, Mr. Stone?” … Continue reading

Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

The Top 10 Bumper Stickers

“Horn broken…watch for finger” “Your kid may be an honor student…but YOU’RE still an idiot!” “We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.” “Be nice to your kids…they’ll choose your nursing home” “Bad cop! No donut!” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of … Continue reading

Top 10 Weird and Easily Misconstruable Names in the National Hockey League

Jeff Beukeboom (D, NY Rangers) Darius Kasparitis (D, Pittsburgh) Vincent Damphousse (C, Montreal) Karl Dykhuis (D, Tampa Bay) German Titov (LW, Calgary) Alexei Zhitnik (D, Buffalo) Valeri Zelepukin (LW, Edmonton) Keith Tkachuk (LW, Phoenix) Stephane Matteau (LW, San Jose) Ron Tugnutt (G, Ottawa)

Top 10 things that are just getting too much press

Latrell Sprewell – Yes, we would all like to choke P.J. Carlesimo. But there’s a term for that…”misdemeanor.” Lara Croft – Yeah, we see you’re a 36E. But society isn’t ready for digital relationships. Fidel Castro – disgruntled former ballplayer born 40 years too early. At least he lets the … Continue reading

Top 10 Classes That Nobody Wants To Take

CS666-COBOL for everything SCI101-Technology; taught by Bryan Rennie POL325-Close-Up of Phil Gramm MTH560-Differential Equations for Masochists PSY431-Dissecting Your Own Brain CLC200-Sociology/Broadcasting Cluster: Talk Shows LNG281-Advanced Urdu LIT103-Rants by Bill McTaggart REL601-Senior Study: Pagan Worship PE240B-Swimming in Brittain Lake

Top 10 Things I did on my 20th Birthday, April 27, 1998

Finished a bunch of Linear Algebra labs that Dr. Hall lovingly gave me as gifts Realized my dream of fighting in an ECW match Parachuted off the top of Hoyt Helped myself to the old VAX 11-785 Helped myself to some unused IP addresses Began my doctoral dissertation 😛 Tossed … Continue reading

Top 10 Things That’ll Change When Jesse Ventura Becomes Governor

He’ll get in the ring with Hogan to determing the next President John Randle will become a heavyweight champion of every wrestling organization The name will be changed to “McMahonSucksLand” The Twins will move out Update Minnesota constitution to allow powerbombs as misdemeanor punishment Update Minnesota constitution to allow powerbombs … Continue reading

Top 10 Things Independent Persecutor Kenneth Starr Found Out In His Investigation

Al Gore actually cannot move at all because his hair is a nest for endangered hummingbirds Vernon Jordan is actually a Wesley Snipes stunt double Ken will never be as popular as Ed Muskie James McDougal was killed by short-wavelength radiation from UN Black Helicopters Linda Tripp is actually Woody … Continue reading

The Top 10 Things I Added To “Beast” (my computer)

Beast is my i386DX-25. It will soon be FreeBSD. Vanity mirror 32 GB Ultra-wide SCSI hard drive (yeah, right) 51″ monitor Cup holder that says “8X” Commodore 64 emulator A REAL mouse (It wiggles all over the place when I plug its tail in) Class A IP subnet An IPng … Continue reading

Top 10 Things You’d Never Hear My Roommate Say

“All I want is a tall glass of milk and all I have is this God-d*mn beer…” “Barry Manilow is one cool mother-f*cker!” “You mind if I turn off Law & Order? There’s a movie on Lifetime I wanna watch…” “My grand-dad finds that offensive.” “Mind if I replace this … Continue reading

Top 10 Surprises in the Winter Olympics

Women’s Hockey is actually a sport (def: “Sport, n.: anything that the U.S. can whoop your ass in”) Southern Baptists protested the two-man-luge because “It just don’t look right” The world found out that Picabo Street isn’t a kids’ show on PBS “Happy” Harada didn’t choke! U.S. Men’s Hockey team … Continue reading