In-class Assignment: Tandem Writting

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first … Continue reading

Electricity

As you probably know, electricity is the thing that happens when two clouds rub together. Lightning is produced, and in no time at all lightening conductors are sent by the Electricity Board to direct it to near-by pylons, enormous electrical lamposts found mainly in the countryside. Nowadays we think nothing … Continue reading

Top 10 Things Professors Say (and what they really mean!)

What the Progessor Says What they mean 10% of your grade is based on class participation. You are putty in my hands. The tests are all true & false and multiple choice. Questions are straight from the study guide and grad students grade everything. Do not come to class in … Continue reading

Surprise Graduation

Dear Dad, Thanks for the money to begin the second semester with. The only trouble is, I graduated yesterday. I know it’s sort of a surprise, with me being an entering freshman only several months ago. It was sort of a surprise to me too. I went to register yesterday … Continue reading

fishing trip

It seems tht a trio of buddies drove several hundred miles to their favorite fishing spot. The driver said, “Boy, am I beat!” and fell asleep immediately. The others played a joke on him: they reset his alarm clock and watch from 10 P.M. to 4:55 A.M., got undressd and … Continue reading

excuses

EXCUSES The following is a collection of “actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling)” from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of Washington. * My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. * Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She … Continue reading

OJ

Did you hear what OJ said to Judge Ito on his way out of the courtroom today?? “Can I have my hat and gloves back now?”

Excuses to miss work

>From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post — a contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work. ================================== If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices … Continue reading

Golf Jokes

A father spoke to his son, “It’s time we had a little talk, my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you’ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else.” He added, “But … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Academic existance?

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A GRAD STUDENT 6:30 Wake up and lie awake in bed. 6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night’s dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks. 6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep. 7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

bible sales

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, “I want to sell Bibles for you.” “OK, you’re hired. Here’s your kit; … Continue reading

Twelve days of Christmas

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS December 14th Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes December 15th Dearest John, Today the postman … Continue reading

Academic talk (offensive to professors)

What the professor means By J. Timothy Petersik from the Chronicle of Higher Education Says: You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. Means: I used it as a grad student. Says: If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in the course. Means: If … Continue reading

don’t feel well

Juan – “Mother, I cannot go to school today.” Mother – “Why?” Juan – “I don’t feel well.” Mother – “Where don’t you feel well, my son?” Juan – “In school.”

Pick Up Lines; With Answers

I know how to please a woman. Then please leave me alone. I want to give myself to you. Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts. May I see you pretty soon? Don’t you think I’m pretty now? Your hair colour is fabulous. Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the … Continue reading

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing … Continue reading

If They Were Alive…

The San Jose Mercury-News requested readers to submit their ideas of what certain deceased celebrities might be doing on TV if they were alive today. Here are some of the responses. If Albert Einstein were alive today, he’d be: A. trying to figure out how to program his VCR. B. … Continue reading

Sick of School

Juan – “Mother, I cannot go to school today.” Mother – “Why?” Juan – “I don’t feel well.” Mother – “Where don’t you feel well, my son?” Juan – “In school.”

Golf Joke

This guy is a bad golfer. He has a nasty slice, which he’s working on. Today, he overcompensates and hooks badly off the tee. After much searching of the rough on the left of the fairway he finally locates his ball sitting in the middle of a bed of buttercups. … Continue reading

Gag Headlines

Some gag headlines on how the media would handle the end of the world. USA Today: WE’RE DEAD. Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS. National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN. Inc. Magazine: 10 WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE. Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION … Continue reading

Dumb Questions

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Why do they tell us to watch The Today Show tomorrow? Who is they anyway? Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected and so therefore one is expecting the … Continue reading

Brand Name Condoms and their Slogans

Nike Condoms Just do it. Toyota Condoms Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more? Diet Pepsi Condoms You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms Once you pop, you can’t stop. Mentos Condoms The freshmaker. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms Strong … Continue reading