Hazardous Materials Safety Data Sheet; Women – A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT Women SYMBOL Wo DISCOVERER Adam ATOMIC MASS Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES Surface usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in … Continue reading

Electricity

As you probably know, electricity is the thing that happens when two clouds rub together. Lightning is produced, and in no time at all lightening conductors are sent by the Electricity Board to direct it to near-by pylons, enormous electrical lamposts found mainly in the countryside. Nowadays we think nothing … Continue reading

Are you in the market for a new toaster?

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. … Continue reading

Real Programmers Don’t Eat Quiche

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Are you STILL a computer geek?

Ok, so you lucked out last time – you were about as socially adjusted as a onion and jelly sandwhich, BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE CHANGED! You may not be a computer geek any more! It’s possible!!! (Not probable, but possible) Test yourself now! It’s a stag party for one of … Continue reading

Funny Answering Machine Messages

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are… (CLICK) This is the answering machine of… Hello, this is David. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying … Continue reading

The Fireman, The Physicist, and The Mathematician

Three men are sharing a hotel room – a fireman, a physicist, and a mathematician. In the middle of the night, the fireman gets up to go to the bathroom down the hall, and discovers that there is a fire in a trashcan in the hallway. Immediately, he runs back … Continue reading

The Dangers of Oxygen

Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%, … Continue reading

The Software Engineering Approach

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, … Continue reading

What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Manual Writing?

Here’s an easy game to play. Here’s an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket … Continue reading

Computer Room Christmas Carol

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night. The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully … Continue reading

Product Warnings For Physicists

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of … Continue reading

Is There A Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms … Continue reading

You may be an engineer

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife” If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero If you stare at an orange juice … Continue reading

The Christmas Present Revenge

Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years – and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove … Continue reading

Cartoon Laws

Cartoon Law I. – Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per … Continue reading

Nerd Test

1. A friend opens a magazine full of scantily-clad members of your preferred sex. Do you: Openly Ogle Act Non-Chalant Comment “Gee, that’s got to be at least 400 dpi, colour!” Slip the hand down the pants for a bit of good, old-fashioned executive relief. 2. You’re at a party. … Continue reading

The Scientist and the Poet on a Train

There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn’t much conversation between the two. The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of … Continue reading

A Calculus Carol

written by: Denis Gannon(1940-1991) sung to the tune of “Oh, Christmas Tree” Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus, How tough are both your branches. Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus, To pass what are my chances? Derivatives I cannot take, At integrals my fingers shake. Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus, How tough are both your … Continue reading