Hazardous Materials Safety Data Sheet; Women – A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT Women SYMBOL Wo DISCOVERER Adam ATOMIC MASS Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES Surface usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in … Continue reading

Electricity

As you probably know, electricity is the thing that happens when two clouds rub together. Lightning is produced, and in no time at all lightening conductors are sent by the Electricity Board to direct it to near-by pylons, enormous electrical lamposts found mainly in the countryside. Nowadays we think nothing … Continue reading

Are you in the market for a new toaster?

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. … Continue reading

Real Programmers Don’t Eat Quiche

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Are you STILL a computer geek?

Ok, so you lucked out last time – you were about as socially adjusted as a onion and jelly sandwhich, BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE CHANGED! You may not be a computer geek any more! It’s possible!!! (Not probable, but possible) Test yourself now! It’s a stag party for one of … Continue reading

The Dangers of Oxygen

Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%, … Continue reading

Product Warnings For Physicists

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of … Continue reading

Cartoon Laws

Cartoon Law I. – Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per … Continue reading

The Scientist and the Poet on a Train

There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn’t much conversation between the two. The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of … Continue reading