How To Be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”. Drum on every available surface. Remove every line of someone’s .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 … Continue reading

Life Got You Down?

If you’ve been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are a couple of cool ways to kill yourself. Even if you don’t use these exclusive royalty-free methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don’t be boring and just take sleeping … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

You Might Be a Redneck If…

You ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu. … Continue reading

Proper Care Of Floppies

Please circulate this as broadly as possible to the user community. This is important information that everybody can use. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in … Continue reading

Tech Support Gems

Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From? by Jeff Liebermann (jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us) 07/09/94 (All these really happened to me since 1983.) 1. “My hard disk won’t boot”. I suggest they take the floppy out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully removed the floppy … Continue reading

All systems go

Shit!! What the hell!? Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?) That’s SOOOOO bizarre. Wow!! Look at this….. Terminated??! What software license? Well, it’s doing SOMETHING….. Wow….that seemed FAST….. What do you mean that wasn’t a copy? It didn’t do that a minute ago… The drive … Continue reading

A Physicist, An Engineer And A Mathematician Measure A Flagpole

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are all standing around the university flagpole when an English professor stops and asks what they’re doing. “Well,” says the physicist, “we want to know the height of the flagpole and are discussing formulas we might use to calculate it.” “Watch,” says the … Continue reading

Glossary of Computer Terms

*File Description: Glossary of Computer Terms* 640K barrier: the finish line in a mega-marathon access time: foreplay analog: what Ana tosses into the fire assembly language: put tab A into slot B, then put tab C… audit trail: what the IRS does Bandwidth: limited by the size of the stage … Continue reading

Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

84 Things You Don’t Want Your System Administrator to Say

Uh-oh… Oh S***! What the heck?!? Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?) That’s SOOOOO bizarre. Wow!! Look at this… Hey!! The Suns don’t do this. Terminated?!? What software license? Well, it’s doing SOMETHING… Wow…that seemed fast… I got a better job at Lockheed… Management says… … Continue reading

Star Trek Top Ten April Fool’s Jokes on the Enterprise

Everybody act like Riker is the captain Pretend you’ve been taken over by an alien being Program the replicator in Troi’s room so that it won’t make chocolate Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him Put a small speaker … Continue reading