Electricity

As you probably know, electricity is the thing that happens when two clouds rub together. Lightning is produced, and in no time at all lightening conductors are sent by the Electricity Board to direct it to near-by pylons, enormous electrical lamposts found mainly in the countryside. Nowadays we think nothing … Continue reading

Top 10 Classes That Nobody Wants To Take

CS666-COBOL for everything SCI101-Technology; taught by Bryan Rennie POL325-Close-Up of Phil Gramm MTH560-Differential Equations for Masochists PSY431-Dissecting Your Own Brain CLC200-Sociology/Broadcasting Cluster: Talk Shows LNG281-Advanced Urdu LIT103-Rants by Bill McTaggart REL601-Senior Study: Pagan Worship PE240B-Swimming in Brittain Lake

Top 10 Bombshells in THE STARR REPORT

In 1986, Al Gore was replaced with an android Monica’s pet name for Clinton’s penis is “Skin Force One” Donna Shalala is actually a bastard daughter of Marge Schott Hillary and Janet Reno are lovers Hidden cameras were planted throughout the Oval Orifice Office by Jerry Springer Monica Lewinsky is … Continue reading

Guidelines For A Terrible Talk

Presenting data at a conference? Preparing a seminar or lecture? Then you need the Immunology News ‘Guidelines for giving a truly terrible talk’ Strict adherence to the following time-tested guidelines will ensure that both you and your work remain obscure and will guarantee an audience of minimum size at your … Continue reading

Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren’t

Reach in and grab the giblets. Whew, that’s one terrific spread! I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist. Talk about a huge breast! “and he forced his way into the end zone…” She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

( ) English – It’s a funny language

English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every seven human beings can speak it. More than half of the world’s books and three-quarters of international mail are in English. Of all languages, English has the largest vocabulary – perhaps as many as … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

computer languages are like women

by: Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1 There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand most men … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Does Your Dog/Cat Own You?

These were taken from the newsletter of the Vashon Island, Washington animal-adoption group. DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU? – See how many yes answers apply to you. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them? Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of … Continue reading

10 Reasons Your Girlfriend Might Leave You For A Woman

Doesn’t whine about affirmative action taking away “your” promotions Knows what the clitoris is Even if she does sit around in a dirty tshirt watching television, she at least knows how to wash it herself. Knows where the clitoris is. Doesn’t think sexual harassment has been “blown way out of … Continue reading

Two Italian men talking

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Two … Continue reading

Academic talk (offensive to professors)

What the professor means By J. Timothy Petersik from the Chronicle of Higher Education Says: You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. Means: I used it as a grad student. Says: If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in the course. Means: If … Continue reading

How Many Republicans Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?

462 12 to investigate Clinton’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb… 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry… 16 to cut funding for alternative-lighting research and development… 34 to cut the tax rate on light bulbs… 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

How do they do it ?

Anthropologists do it with culture. Archeologists do it with mummies. Architects do it late. Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl. Bayseians probably do it. Boy Scouts do it in the woods. C++ programmers do it with class. C++ programmers do it with private members and public … Continue reading

How to Make Her Happy

How to Make Her Happy (edited version) – Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions. – Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do. – Compliment her on how she looks. … Continue reading

Random Sayings

“It’s a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one’s safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract.” — Alan Shepherd (apollo astronaut) Life is what’s taking place while you’re busy planning your future. — Ellen Daleng It’s a commonly accepted truth … Continue reading

Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times (Includes some late night humor) 1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives! For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl … Continue reading