Top Condom Slogans (2 of 3)

Glove your pecker before you check her Coat that slimmer before you prime her Condomize then womanize Cover old pete then grind her meat Guard your peter before you meet her Check your list before you tryst Wrap your bate before you mate Can your worm before you squirm Cover … Continue reading

UNIX Commands

% cat “food in cans” cat: can’t open food in cans % nice man woman No manual entry for woman. % rm God rm: God nonexistent % ar t God ar: God does not exist % ar r God ar: creating God % “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence? Unmatched … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Top 10 Strange Things About The O.J. Trial

O.J. had to be acquitted in order for all the networks to have ongoing series based on the subject. Check your Fall listings. Sales of the popular Isotoner gloves have increased 368%. Release of the new “Bloodstained” Isotoner glove series has been announced in time for Christmas. In honour of … Continue reading

cecil

A burgular was wandering round the living room of a house, collecting swag, as burgulars do…when he heard a voice say “STOP THAT OR JESUS WILL PUNISH YOU…”, he thought nothing of it and carried on collecting swag, and the the voice spoke up again…”STOP THAT OR JESUS WILL PUNISH … Continue reading

More Coffee, Anyone?

An experiment was conducted recently to determine the effects of numerous cups of coffee on human physiology. The test took place in the bright and well-ventilated offices of a newspaper. Regular automatic-drip coffee was used. The brand name is not mentioned here because of possible pending litigation. The names of … Continue reading

30 fun things to do while driving

30 Fun Things to do When Driving (author unkown) ——————————————————— 1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit. 2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. 3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock … Continue reading

Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life

COLOR IS THE KEY TO YOUR SEXUAL LIFE _________________________________________________________________ *************************************************************************** STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP! Before you read this, decide what your favorite color is. No looking ahead or changing your mind, either. Got it? Ok, read on… **************************************************************************** _________________________________________________________________ … Continue reading

2000.9999 a Pentium Odd-Essay

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL… Open the pod bay door, please, Hal… Hal, do you read me? Affirmative, Dave. I read you. Then open the pod bay doors, HAL. I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect … Continue reading

Why Beer is better than Jesus

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus ————————————————- 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves. 6. … Continue reading

Armed Forces Joke

One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver. So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, “Sailor, catch that falling anchor!” The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, “Yes, sir!”, runs under the … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Top 10 Things You’ll Never Hear a Woman Say

What do you mean today’s our anniversary? Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. Ohh, this diamond is way too big! And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends”. … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Unix Humor

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question: Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? UNIX consul: Yes, that’s correct. Customer: No, what is it? UNIX consul: Yes. Customer: So, which is the one? UNIX consul: No. ‘which’ is used to find … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Twelve days of Christmas

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS December 14th Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes December 15th Dearest John, Today the postman … Continue reading

play on words

A man is looking for a job. Reading the want ads he notices that the local school district needs a bus driver. He thinks this will be a piece of cake job and heads out to the school bus garage. “We have only one route left open.” says the dispatcher, … Continue reading

People who go to college are incredible.

We go to classes. We read and absorb and are comprehensively tested on heavy amounts of various materials. We sleep very little. We drink ourselves into oblivion. We kill ourselves with various types of smoke. We cough and keep smoking. Someone is always sick. Someone it always complaining. We become … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

10 Reasons Your Girlfriend Might Leave You For A Woman

Doesn’t whine about affirmative action taking away “your” promotions Knows what the clitoris is Even if she does sit around in a dirty tshirt watching television, she at least knows how to wash it herself. Knows where the clitoris is. Doesn’t think sexual harassment has been “blown way out of … Continue reading

Sweeping (Pun)

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor’s lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link … Continue reading