Top 10 Beers That Never Made It

Flora — Beer made from daffodils and tulips Meltdown — a 5.4% beer — 5.4% H2SO4 Kill Nine — The beer for system administrators (“Kill nine lusers, tapes, and/or brain cells“) Schitz — Schlitz without the ‘l’, but it tastes the same George Michael’s Cream Ale — no explaination necessary … Continue reading

Offensive Chinese Food Menu

Fresh Every 2 7 Days PEE YU PLATTER Clothes Pins Extra HOO FLUNG POO Napkins & Raincoats Provided SUC SUM TIT Children’s Special YUNG POON TANG No Take Out Orders Accepted LUNCHEON SPECIALS SUM YUNG CHICK [$6 99] Different and Delicious WON HUNG LO [$6 99] Chinese Meatballs SUM DUM … Continue reading

New Teacher Regulations

TO: ALL STAFF FROM: OFFICE OF SUPERINTENDANT RE: TEACHER IN SERVICE TRAINING SCHEDULE (T.I.T.S) In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is now required to supply bigger and better T.I.T.S for each employee. We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High … Continue reading

The Cat’s Dead!

Ed was devoted to his cat. He had special cat toys, special foods, special litter, everything a cat could require, Ed provided. When he had, absolutely HAD to go to San Francisco for a month and couldn’t possibly take Tabitha (the cat) with him, he called on his younger brother. … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie “Twister”

The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie “Twister” “Totally Gone With The Wind” “Lift and Separate” “Boys on the Side — Of My Barn” “Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn’t Fit in the Plot” “The Weather Channel: The Movie” “Schindler’s Twist” “Field of Debris” “Dead Man Flying” … Continue reading

Friendship, Inc.

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a “traditional” friendship network with important cost-saving features. HOW DOES IT WORK ? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All … Continue reading

Smurf; Biological Reproduction and Cultural Development

One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs. Where exactly did they come from? How on earth do they reproduce? Where did Papa Smurf come from? Is smucking a real smurf cultural event? Here, after … Continue reading

Signs & Notices Pt. 3

Some more signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world: 1. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. 2. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. 3. Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop: Ladies may … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

A Consumer Reports Special: Girlfriends

Well it’s been over 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed. As in a car or a computer, you … Continue reading

Top Ten Rejected Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Lines

“One small step for man. 10 million frequent flyer miles for me” “When I spit, it floats upward” “This is the most corniest thing I’ve ever done” “A special Thank You to a youngster named Dave Letterman who knit us the special space socks” “Hey! I can see Rush Limbaugh … Continue reading

How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot

Unix: You shoot yourself in the foot. DOS: You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier. MS-Windows: The gun blows up in your hand. Windows NT: The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other. OS/2: The gun and … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

Your Starship Captain Just Might Be A Redneck If…

Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob” He refers to Klingons as “Critters” He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns” He has the sensor array repaired … Continue reading

13 Reasons Why Scooby-Doo Was A Drug-Influenced Cartoon

Shaggy always had the munchies, but he still looked like Axel Rose. Fred, some freak with blue dickie around his neck, was their leader. Like Scrappy Doo wasn’t on speed, give me a break. They all thought the dog was talking. Shaggy always said “like” to the extreme, i.e. “like … Continue reading