The World’s Best Worst Pickup Lines

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Can I borrow a quarter? [“What for?”] I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. OR I want to call your mother and thank her. Is your daddy a thief? [“No.”] … Continue reading

Humour in Court

Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in London? A..I refuse to answer that question. Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in Leeds? A..I refuse to answer that question. Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in Liverpool? A..No. Prosecutor:- Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead … Continue reading

Public Sleep Talker

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem–my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?” “I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I … Continue reading

Rhapsody On Themes From Computerland

Is this the real world? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a LAN-slide No ESC to reality. open(2) your files, Look after your while()s In C; I’m just a cheap boy I can’t buy Symphony(tm) Because I’ve wheezy cough, noisy beep Little cash, little sleep Anything but Windows(tm), Nothing beats … Continue reading

College Essay

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU. 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU … Continue reading

The Golfer and The Frog!

A sunday golfer was playing the game. As he prepared to hit to the 10th green he took out his 8-iron. He set himself and got ready to swing. Just before he started his swing a voice said, “Take the 7.” He looked around, saw nobody, and set himself to … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Socialization of the Sexes

What really separates male from female is not external genitalia, nor the lunar cycle of the female. What divides us is babies. Woman, because of some hormonal or instinctual reason, know what to do with babies. To the female, this is natural. For men, it’s all a mystery we never … Continue reading

Potential and Reality (bad)

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?” His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT

* Life is hard and then you nap. * Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours * Variety is the spice of life: One day ignore people, the next day annoy them, and play with them when they’re busy. * Climb your way to the top — that’s … Continue reading

Laws Of The Internet

First Law: Netlag is the Lowest Common Denominator. Second Law: When you need to be Somewhere, You Can’t Get There. Third Law: The Sysop is Actually a Minion of Evil. Fourth Law: When Sysop is Unavailable, all usually goes Well. Fifth Law: You Will Never Have Enough Quota. Sixth Law: … Continue reading

Who Pays On The Date?

For all you single women torn with this dilemma when on a date. This is taken from The World According to HE & SHE by Julie Logan and Arthur Howard: If SHE wants to sleep with him, then it’s a date: HE pays. If SHE doesn’t want to sleep with … Continue reading

A Day in the Life of a Dog

Did you think that a dog’s life was nothing but eating, sleeping, etc? Well, here’s something to change your mind! 🙂 *****A Day in the Life of a Dog****** 6:00 a.m.-6:15 a.m. Squeals and whines to be let out of the house. 6:16 a.m. Rushes to garden in search of … Continue reading

Does Your Dog/Cat Own You?

These were taken from the newsletter of the Vashon Island, Washington animal-adoption group. DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU? – See how many yes answers apply to you. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them? Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Travelling Salesmen

A Jew, a Hindu and a lawyer were all travelling together (who knows why, maybe they were going to a rock concert) anyway it was getting dark and they needed to find a place to stay. Fortunately, they came across a farm house. The farmer, being the friendly country type, … Continue reading

Academic talk (offensive to professors)

What the professor means By J. Timothy Petersik from the Chronicle of Higher Education Says: You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. Means: I used it as a grad student. Says: If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in the course. Means: If … Continue reading

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

Drink molasses ’til you heave Wet bonnet contest Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy Buttermilk keggar Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin’ Clydesdale Get a tattoo: “Born to raise barns” Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers Sleep ’til 6 … Continue reading

college hopeful

A College Entrance Exam An actual essay written by a college applicant to SPU; the author was accepted and is now attending SPU. 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE … Continue reading