Humour in Court

Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in London? A..I refuse to answer that question. Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in Leeds? A..I refuse to answer that question. Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in Liverpool? A..No. Prosecutor:- Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead … Continue reading

Electricity

As you probably know, electricity is the thing that happens when two clouds rub together. Lightning is produced, and in no time at all lightening conductors are sent by the Electricity Board to direct it to near-by pylons, enormous electrical lamposts found mainly in the countryside. Nowadays we think nothing … Continue reading

Top 10 Bombshells in THE STARR REPORT

In 1986, Al Gore was replaced with an android Monica’s pet name for Clinton’s penis is “Skin Force One” Donna Shalala is actually a bastard daughter of Marge Schott Hillary and Janet Reno are lovers Hidden cameras were planted throughout the Oval Orifice Office by Jerry Springer Monica Lewinsky is … Continue reading

Fly the Friendly Skies

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single … Continue reading

roxanne

Everyone who watched the movie “Roxanne” will recall the scene in a bar where Steve Martin’s character humiliates a wise- guy who has made a rude remark about his nose. The guy is asked if he can’t come up with some wittier remark than he made, and he sarcastically asks … Continue reading

What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Manual Writing?

Here’s an easy game to play. Here’s an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket … Continue reading

Armed Forces Joke

One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver. So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, “Sailor, catch that falling anchor!” The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, “Yes, sir!”, runs under the … Continue reading

Code 9 Phone Call

“This is Brucie Kaufman of Scarsdale, New York” “Your number please?” asked the operator. “I’m nine years old.” “Number please, sir” “I wanta talk with President Johnson” “I just want the phone number,” the operator insisted. “I dunno. My name is Brucie Kaufman.” “Do you want the party’s address?” the … Continue reading

write with your other hand

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: “What about extreme … Continue reading

Jesus Joke (clean)

The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere: flood, fire, disease. St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions. Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue. “Pete, take a … Continue reading

Health Insurance Claim

S.C. Anderson PO Box 1302 Minnetonka, MN 55345 Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016 Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an … Continue reading

Lawyer’s Revenge

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn’t afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a ’70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch you crotch and drink cheap beer car. … Continue reading

Cartoon Laws

Cartoon Law I. – Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per … Continue reading

How To Address a Non-Sexist Business Letter

Let us look at the standard opening phrase of a standard business letter: Dear Sir, Well, this is clearly sexist as it precludes the possibility that a woman is reading the letter. We can try to fix this, however, by writing: Dear Sir/Madam, This was suggested in a recent posting … Continue reading

Tech Support Guy

A Day in the Life Of A Tech Support/Customer Service Guy I wake up and look at the clock. Noon, as usual. I go in to the office, and see that the phones are flashing and buzzing. Damn call waiting. Oh, well. I take the first call with my usual … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

Nothing Happened

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home: “So, has anything happened while I’ve been away?” “No, sir, I can’t think of anything at all worth mentioning.” … Continue reading