Idiots In The World

Sign in a gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar! I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs That You Are Not Going To Choose A Second Date

TOP TEN SIGNS that your meeting/date with a man has hit the skids: Three minutes after he starts giving you a tour of his house, he asks you if it looks nice enough to move into. “Has anybody told you what lovely blue eyes you have?” When in fact they … Continue reading

bible jokes

What’s the first sign of football in the bible? Jesus going for the cross. What’s the first sign of foul play in the bible? Jesus going for the cross and getting nailed. What’s the first sign of drugs in the bible? Moses came down from the mountain with the tablets. … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Internet Geek — Top 10

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN INTERNET GEEK (10) When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address. (9) You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?” (8) Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends … Continue reading

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You

Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill. He actually *does* have your tongue. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. You wake up to find … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’re Spending Too Much Time Surfing Web Sites

Your opening line is: “So what’s your home page address?” Your best friend is someone you’ve never met. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Web … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Points to ponder.

Things that make you go hmmm… 1. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 2. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? 3. Is there another word for … Continue reading

Governments

The five rules of Socialism: 1. Don’t think 2. If you do think, don’t speak 3. If you think and speak, don’t write 4. If you think, speak and write, don’t sign 5. If you think, spead, write and sign, don’t be surprised How does the Soviet Constitution differ from … Continue reading

The Top 17 Signs You’re at a Bad Renaissance Festival

The castle and village are made entirely of Legos. Turkey leg bears striking resemblance to Cocker Spaniel leg. Festival activities include “Ye Olde Wet T-Shirt Contest.” Eight minute drum solo in the middle of “Greensleeves.” “Belly up to the bar, me lad, for some grilled mahi-mahi and fresh California Roll!” … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Warning Signs of Insanity

The Warning Signs Of Insanity ————————————— 1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. 2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from. 3. … Continue reading

Driving Tips for Maine

Living smack in the middle of a place like Maine means that you have to drive a fairly good distance to get anywhere that doesn’t look like a Jack Daniel’s ad. You know the ones where there’s a black and white picture of some old redneck with no teeth to … Continue reading

Sick Cats

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder 16 Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it! 15 You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick. 14 Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob … Continue reading

The Top 16 Signs Your Company Is Planning A Layoff

CEO frequently overheard mumbling, “Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe.” Your workday consists of coming in at 10, thinking up Top Five entries with 30 of your coworkers, then leaving at 4. Dr. Kervorkian hired as “Transition Consultant.” Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, “It’s Now Safe to Start Looking for Work.” Company softball team downsized to chess … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman Is Actually The Devil

He helps customers sitting in front of him and in back of him by spinning his head around His store has big Hitler’s Birthday sale Offers you 15% off if you sell him your soul Name of store: “Thom McAngel of Death” When you tell him you don’t like a … Continue reading

The Top 17 Signs You’ve Had Too Much To Drink at Your Company Picnic

The Top 17 Signs You’ve Had Too Much To Drink at Your Company Picnic 17> You loosen your tie, despite the dirty looks from the other accountants. 16> You brazenly blurt out the percentage of mouse feces and rat hair that the FDA allows in hotdogs. 15> Your perfect Elvis … Continue reading

The Top Ten Changes If Starfleet Had Sponsors

O’Brien would say “Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely,  positively have to get there instantly” Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say “Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation Main bridge viewscreen would have “VH1” in the corner Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron … Continue reading

Practical Jokes for the Office

Prank #1 Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one person, then while it’s ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they’ll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call. Prank #2 … Continue reading

Actual Signs Seen Out-And-About

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol’ U.S.A. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: … Continue reading