Peru Limerick

There once was a man from Peru, Who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of Venus, And beat his penis, And woke up with a handful of goo. There once was a man from Cass, Who had two balls of brass. When they banged together, They played “Stormy Weather”, … Continue reading

Cow Jokes

Q: What do cows do for entertainment? A: Go to moo-vies. Q: What band is a cow favorite? A: Moody Blues Q: If a cow could be a musician, what would it play? A: Moog synth Q: Which job is a cow most suited for? A: Baker. Because they’re making … Continue reading

Disorder in the Court

DISORDER IN THE COURT: A COLLECTION OF ‘TRANSQUIPS’ by Richard Lederer Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

Religous Golf

One day three people were playing golf. The first person up to the tee was Jesus. He steps up to the tee, lines up his shot, and hits ball as hard as he can. It’s not to good of a shot. It ends up on a lilly pad in the … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

straight

Members of Washington’s Russian colony are avid and earnest students of the English language. In a recent English, class the teacher asked: “What is the meaning of the word ‘straight’?” Up shot the hand of one of the more studious Russians. He laboured a moment, then replied: “Taking whisky without … Continue reading

Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

Intresting News Stories from around the World.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss. From The Seattle Times, Saturday, October 14, 1995. A small group of policemen are trying to change a negative image of Bangkok law enforcement and ease driver tensions by dancing as they direct traffic. Twelve Ventura, Calif., cheerleaders crammed into a Voltswagen Bug during a contest. … Continue reading

Dan Quayle

One afternoon, former Vice President Dan Quayle was driving home after picking up his daughter Corrine from school. At a red light, a fellow motorist pulled alongside and rolled down his window. “You’re a double for Dan Quayle!” he shouted. “Gee, I hope I don’t look like that guy,” Quayle … Continue reading

Country Music v Classic Music

These 2 music lovers a held hostage and both are going to be shot. One is a country music lover and the other is a classical music lover. Before they are shot they are asked for one last request. So the Country lover says “I would like to listen to … Continue reading