Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box. The wheel’s … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

things

Bumper Stickers Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. We’re staying together for the sake of the cats. It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now. My karma ran over your dogma. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. This is not an … Continue reading

letterman top ten lists

September 22, 1993 ================================================== Top ten signs you’ve lost control of your country ================================================== 10. At big public ceremonies, secret service guys play keep-away with your hat 9. People see you at the self-service pump filling up your pacer 8. Sharp drop in sales of “Yeltsersizer” workout machine 7. Stolichnaya … Continue reading

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you’re gone. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong. Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with. Dogs don’t criticize your friends. Dogs admit … Continue reading

Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from “Star Wars”

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in “Star Wars: A New Hope” 1. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.” 2. “Curse my metal body; I wasn’t fast enough!” 3. “Look at the size of that thing!” 4. “Sorry about the mess…” 5. “You … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’ve Lost Control Of Your Country

At big public ceremonies, secret service guys play keep-away with your hat People see you at the self-service pump filling up your pacer Sharp drop in sales of “Yeltsersizer” workout machine Stolichnaya withdraws its corporate sponsorship of your presidency You misspell “potato” and no one cares Your mother asks if … Continue reading

Pizza Intelligence: An Update

Note: OPSEC is short for “Operations Security”, i.e. ensuring a potential enemy cannot determine what you’re about to do. Earlier this year [1991], we reported that Domino’s Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza … Continue reading