Top 10 Things Independent Persecutor Kenneth Starr Found Out In His Investigation

Al Gore actually cannot move at all because his hair is a nest for endangered hummingbirds Vernon Jordan is actually a Wesley Snipes stunt double Ken will never be as popular as Ed Muskie James McDougal was killed by short-wavelength radiation from UN Black Helicopters Linda Tripp is actually Woody … Continue reading

Top 10 Reason Why TV Is Better Than The Web

It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Not Found 404” message? There are fewer grating color schemes on TV. Even on MTV. The family never argues over which Web site … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

more things

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned. Sometimes what a person escapes to is worse than what they escapes from. Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. Surprise … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’re Spending Too Much Time Surfing Web Sites

Your opening line is: “So what’s your home page address?” Your best friend is someone you’ve never met. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Web … Continue reading

Star Trek – A Remarkable Find

The pins-and-needles feeling of transport eased, and Captain Picard’s vision returned. He took a moment to get his bearings, looking over the large excavation site a few kilometers from the Potomac River. Picard had read about the excavations of the old United States capital in one of his archaeological journals. … Continue reading

The evolution of math education

HOW TO SPOT OUTCOME-BASED EDUCATION Math Quiz: In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four fifths the price. What is his profit? In 1970 (traditional math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

Nerd Test

1. A friend opens a magazine full of scantily-clad members of your preferred sex. Do you: Openly Ogle Act Non-Chalant Comment “Gee, that’s got to be at least 400 dpi, colour!” Slip the hand down the pants for a bit of good, old-fashioned executive relief. 2. You’re at a party. … Continue reading

If She Comes Back …

If you love someone, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she’s never was…. The New Versions….. Pessimist: If you love someone, Set her free … If she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was … Optimist: If you … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

Lunch (sexual)

One day a fish was swimming in a lake, and he noticed a fly buzzing around above him. He thought, “If that fly would only come down four inches I could jump and get it and have my lunch.” There was a bear watching the fish from the nearby woods … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

Red Riding Hood

by Jim Garner copied by Andy Tiarks April 24, 1993 originally appeared in “Comic Relief” April, 1993 There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of … Continue reading

Your Starship Captain Just Might Be A Redneck If…

Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob” He refers to Klingons as “Critters” He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns” He has the sensor array repaired … Continue reading