600 Pick Lines; Guaranteed to Work (page 5 of 6)

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me? Just where do those legs of yours end? Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex? Uh, oh. My parents met at a place like this. Let’s get the hell out of here. Does my … Continue reading

The Approach of Winter

Dec. 8  – It’s starting to snow, the first of the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful. Dec. 9 – We awoke to … Continue reading

MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will … Continue reading

Computer Room Christmas Carol

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night. The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully … Continue reading

Tech Support Gems

Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From? by Jeff Liebermann (jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us) 07/09/94 (All these really happened to me since 1983.) 1. “My hard disk won’t boot”. I suggest they take the floppy out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully removed the floppy … Continue reading

Is There A Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

25 Christmas Ideas To Torture Your Roommate

Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off. Wear a Santa suit all the time. … Continue reading

Another Rude Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas When all through the house, The whole damn family was drunk as a louse. Grandpa and Grandma were singin’ a song, And the kid was in bed flogging his dong. Ma home from the cathouse, And I, out of jail, had just settled Down for … Continue reading

PC Night Before Christmas

A Politcally Correct Night Before Christmas… Santa can’t smoke his pipe, the elves have unionized, the animal “rights” folks have prevented the reindeer from flying… You get the picture.. == ‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck… How to live in a world that’s politically correct? His workers … Continue reading

Naughty Children and Santa

As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother … Continue reading

What Happened in 1994

Ft. Wayne, Ind. Police responded to a complaint of bullets hitting a house only to find that the complainant had hidden his loaded piston in the stove, forgotten about it and then turned on the oven. Newark, NJ A lawyer sued a resturant for damages when he was served a … Continue reading

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal (part 1 of 2)

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal (Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software) Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it’s only a small step to the rest! For example: 1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. … Continue reading

The TEX-MEX “Night before Christmas”

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa, Not a creature ws stirring — Caramba! Que pasa? Los ninos were tucked away in their camas, Some in long underwear, some in pijamas, While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado To … Continue reading

Rightsizing The North Pole, inc.

Seasons Greetings The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control] The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package … Continue reading

Dumb Questions

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Why do they tell us to watch The Today Show tomorrow? Who is they anyway? Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected and so therefore one is expecting the … Continue reading