Funny Stories

Two guys were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, … Continue reading

Guidelines For A Terrible Talk

Presenting data at a conference? Preparing a seminar or lecture? Then you need the Immunology News ‘Guidelines for giving a truly terrible talk’ Strict adherence to the following time-tested guidelines will ensure that both you and your work remain obscure and will guarantee an audience of minimum size at your … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

2000.9999 a Pentium Odd-Essay

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL… Open the pod bay door, please, Hal… Hal, do you read me? Affirmative, Dave. I read you. Then open the pod bay doors, HAL. I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect … Continue reading

The Chain Letter Of St. Paul The Apostle To The Corinthians

The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter–providing you in turn send it on. This … Continue reading

Pulp Fiction

********************************************************************** If you all are anything like me then you had no idea what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. So, through a friend of a friend of a friend who had a two hour conversation with Quentin Tarantino himself, I now know, and I thought I would pass … Continue reading

The Nature of the Universe

QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE Carl Zwanzig “Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together….” Douglas Adams “There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT

* Life is hard and then you nap. * Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours * Variety is the spice of life: One day ignore people, the next day annoy them, and play with them when they’re busy. * Climb your way to the top — that’s … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

you might be an engineering major if …

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEERING MAJOR… If you have no life – and you can PROVE it mathematically. If you enjoy pain. If you know vector calculus, but you can’t remember how to do long division. If you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.” If you’ve actually used every single … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Jesus Joke (clean)

The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere: flood, fire, disease. St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions. Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue. “Pete, take a … Continue reading

You may be an engineer

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife” If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero If you stare at an orange juice … Continue reading

YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR…

if you have no life – and you can PROVE it mathematically. if you enjoy pain. if you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division. if you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.” if you’ve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. if … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons you can’t remember what was before life

John Hoban (Shibumi@epix.net) wrote in newsgroup alt.philosophy objectivism: : If there is no personal ego that can remember life before this one : how can one “remember”. Isn’t that supposed to be possible? — TOP TEN LIST BY T.A. DARCOS & COMPANY — (Not affliliated with Worldwide Pants, Inc.) (Drumroll) … Continue reading

You might be Republican if… (Republican offensive)

You might be a Republican if… You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese. You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and Deduction two” You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You’ve ever referred to someone as … Continue reading

Remember Friends

Remember the first day of the first year of the first time in your life you started your journey to getting old, Remember the roommates, the fears, the tears, the nerves, setting up the room, taking it apart and then rearranging it all over again, Remember the first guy (girl) … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

You Know You’ve Been On The Computer Too Long When…

When you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I … Continue reading

Phrack Magazine, Volume Five, Issue Forty-Six, File 9 of 28

==Phrack Magazine== Volume Five, Issue Forty-Six, File 9 of 28 **************************************************************************** Legal Info by Szechuan Death OK. This document applies only to United States citizens: if you are a citizen of some other fascist country, don’t come whining to me when this doesn’t work….. 🙂 Make no mistake: I’m not … Continue reading