Santa’s Elf Pick-up Lines

“I’m down here!” “Just because I’ve got bells on my feet doesn’t mean I’m a sissy!” I was a lawn ornament for Gary Sweet.” “I can get you off the naughty list!” “I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on toys.” “I’m a magical being! Take off … Continue reading

Miscellaneous Rant

ON CLOTHES I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to … Continue reading

Teddy Bears are Better Than Men Because…

Teddy Bears are happy to snuggle all night long. Teddy Bears rarely have prickly whiskers. Teddy Bears always keep your secrets. You can always buy a bigger teddy bear. Teddy Bears never bore you to death with details of the games. Teddy Bears can hug for long periods of time. … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

A Woman’s 50 Rules for Men

A WOMAN’S 50 RULES FOR MEN 1. Call. 2. Don’t lie. 3. Never tape any of her body parts together. 4. If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 5. If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. 6. … Continue reading

Who Pays On The Date?

For all you single women torn with this dilemma when on a date. This is taken from The World According to HE & SHE by Julie Logan and Arthur Howard: If SHE wants to sleep with him, then it’s a date: HE pays. If SHE doesn’t want to sleep with … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Good Explanation

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news“, God said. Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first“. Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. … Continue reading

A Rose is a Rose; Lesser-Known Colours & Their Meanings

Although red is the most common colour of rose given, there are many colours with their own special meanings. The most common are: A PINK ROSE says “I like you.“ A WHITE ROSE says “Let’s be friends.“ A YELLOW ROSE says “I’m from Texas. Wanna go roll in some hay?“ … Continue reading

Elderly Man

A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench crying. The police drive by and see him. They stop to see what is wrong. Police: “What’s wrong?” Elderly Man: “I’m married to a twenty year old woman.” (Continues to cry) Police: “Sir, that’s nothing to cry about, you … Continue reading

Men and Women are NOT Alike

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me … Continue reading

A Consumer Reports Special: Girlfriends

Well it’s been over 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed. As in a car or a computer, you … Continue reading

Kid’s Answers to Questions on Love

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE?? “Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents!” -Eric, 6 “When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, … Continue reading

Wedding: True Story

If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. A buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the wedding. This was a huge wedding … Continue reading

10 Reasons Your Girlfriend Might Leave You For A Woman

Doesn’t whine about affirmative action taking away “your” promotions Knows what the clitoris is Even if she does sit around in a dirty tshirt watching television, she at least knows how to wash it herself. Knows where the clitoris is. Doesn’t think sexual harassment has been “blown way out of … Continue reading

Adam and Eve

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.” “What’s the problem, Adam?”, God replies. “Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful … Continue reading

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)

I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”) There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my dad) I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.) My … Continue reading

Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so … Continue reading

My Kid Is Better Than Your Kid

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. “My son,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a … Continue reading

Divorced from Reality?

A woman walks into a lawyer’s office seeking to divorce her husband.  The lawyer asks if she has grounds and she says, “Oh, yes. We have a nice front yard and a beautifully landscaped back yard too.” “No, no, that’s not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?” “Oh, … Continue reading

Pick Up Lines; With Answers

I know how to please a woman. Then please leave me alone. I want to give myself to you. Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts. May I see you pretty soon? Don’t you think I’m pretty now? Your hair colour is fabulous. Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the … Continue reading

Small World

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of … Continue reading

Sign Communication

There’s this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower….. so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window `where’s the rake?’. she can’t hear him. so he points to his eye[i], … Continue reading

Not In Use

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words. “Before you leave, I want you to know how this all came … Continue reading