The World’s Best Worst Pickup Lines

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Can I borrow a quarter? [“What for?”] I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. OR I want to call your mother and thank her. Is your daddy a thief? [“No.”] … Continue reading

Hazardous Materials Safety Data Sheet; Women – A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT Women SYMBOL Wo DISCOVERER Adam ATOMIC MASS Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES Surface usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in … Continue reading

Dictonary of Dating

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals … Continue reading

Public Sleep Talker

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem–my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?” “I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I … Continue reading

Birth Order

Composed by Jim Muncy Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby Move First Child: I placed … Continue reading

50 Ways to Drive Men Crazy

Do not say what you mean. Ever. Be ambiguous. Always. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it’s their fault. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or ago. Make them apologize for everything. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that … Continue reading

A Gift For My Sweetheart

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweethearts young sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. … Continue reading

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have” Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t … Continue reading

Virgin’s Guide to Love and Sex

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank “question and answer” format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everythiong you’ve ever wondered about. Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ? … Continue reading

Rules To Be A Man

(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing) Don’t call, ever. If you don’t like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure itout by herself. Lie. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as “spike” If you lose something that belongs … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs That You Are Not Going To Choose A Second Date

TOP TEN SIGNS that your meeting/date with a man has hit the skids: Three minutes after he starts giving you a tour of his house, he asks you if it looks nice enough to move into. “Has anybody told you what lovely blue eyes you have?” When in fact they … Continue reading

True Friend

Friendship is a strange thing… we find ourselves telling each other the deepest detalis of our lives… things we do not even share with the families who raised us… but what is a friend? a confidant? a lover? a shoulder to cry on? an ear to listen? a heart to … Continue reading

Chivalry Is Not Dead; The Sexist Pigs’ Guide To Chivalry In The 90s

Chivalry is not dead, it’s just gone into hiding. With the emergence of strong, assertive women who construe certain gestures of common courtesy as a sign of weakness and a hangable offense, gentlemen have to be careful of who they hold that door open for. Each man must devise his … Continue reading

The Cat’s Dead!

Ed was devoted to his cat. He had special cat toys, special foods, special litter, everything a cat could require, Ed provided. When he had, absolutely HAD to go to San Francisco for a month and couldn’t possibly take Tabitha (the cat) with him, he called on his younger brother. … Continue reading

Thoughts of You

One of the most special places in my heart will always be saved for you. You…. the one person I can always talk to; the one person who understands. You…. for making me laugh in the rain; for helping me shoulder my troubles. You… for being a friend in spite … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons To Date a Computer Geek

0000 You don’t have to worry about X-girlfriends 0001 You know they’ll be up all night long. 0010 They take virus protection seriously. 0011 They’re just like a network, they often go down on you. 0100 They don’t BYTE (but they do NIBBLE a little) 1010 They may just live … Continue reading

Just Married

A Young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “here put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size … Continue reading

Lt. Blandford

Six minutes to six, said the clock over the information booth in New York’s Grand Central Station. The tall young Army officer lifted his sunburned face and narrowed his eyes to note the exact time. His heart was pounding with a beat that choked him. In six minutes he would … Continue reading