Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Betther Than Jesus

No one will kill you for not drinking beer. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex. Beer has never caused a major war. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves. When you have beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away. … Continue reading

Top 10 Predictions For The 1998 Major League Baseball Playoffs

Sandy Alomar will spit in John Hirschbeck’s face to keep the family tradition alive Jeffrey Mayer will be banned from any Game 6 for the Yankees MLB will lift the ban on Mayer when Steinbrenner signs him to a 15-day contract to play right field for “defensive purposes” Matt Karchner … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons Why December Sucks

December + New Wilmington, PA = 3 feet of snow Post-Christmas Letdown Have to start worrying about those damned W-2’s, W-4’s and W-9’s again Computers shut down around this time – like Keystone I catch my annual stomach virus Two words: frozen highways Getting picked up by police for public … Continue reading

Reasons Why I Haven’t Written Lately

I took a paper-folding class and every time I try and fold a letter it becomes a graceful swan or scale-covered chicken I didn’t have any stationery with a cute little bunny or Harrison Ford on it I support the migrant ink workers in their struggle against capitalist oppression Everything … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons OJ is Such An Avid Golfer

Get to wear nicely tight-fitting gloves. An easy drive down the fairway doesn’t attract as much attention as an easy drive down the freeway. You don’t have to race home when you’re finished. If you say you were practising your golf swing, people believe you immediately. Slice all you want … Continue reading

Top 25 Reasons that Hockey is Better than Sex

It’s ok to bleed during play. If it’s a bad game, you can call a time out. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment. You can still play when you get married. You can change on … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Phillies’ Fans Could Welcome a Strike

No more Businesspersons’ Specials = No Blue Hats.. Idle Phanatic is a great moneysaver. Who can’t use another really absorbent bathmat? Working Triple-A team more familiar than Big Phils this year anyhow. “Magic Number” to elimination would have been too difficult to calculate this early. Your kid’s Little League team … Continue reading

Reasons Why I Can’t Go Out With You….

I’d LOVE to, but … I have to floss my cat. I’ve dedicated my life to linguini. I need to spend more time with my blender. It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People. It’s my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. I don’t go out on days that end … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

lost in a canyon

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, “I’ve got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far.” So he leans over the basket and yells … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Why Scooby Doo was a Drug Influenced Cartoon

Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies. Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him. Scooby and Shaggy … Continue reading

13 Reasons Why Scooby-Doo Was A Drug-Influenced Cartoon

Shaggy always had the munchies, but he still looked like Axel Rose. Fred, some freak with blue dickie around his neck, was their leader. Like Scrappy Doo wasn’t on speed, give me a break. They all thought the dog was talking. Shaggy always said “like” to the extreme, i.e. “like … Continue reading