If Microsoft Built Cars

The Top-n ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars. (drumroll,please…) 1. A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until AFTER that year,instead of before. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would … Continue reading

Top 10 Reason Why TV Is Better Than The Web

It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Not Found 404” message? There are fewer grating color schemes on TV. Even on MTV. The family never argues over which Web site … Continue reading

Top 10 Ways America would be Different with Bill Gates as President

Top 10 Ways America would be Different with Bill Gates as President ——————————————————————- 10. Millions of taxpaying nerds would line up outside post offices around the country at 12:01 a.m, on January 1st to be the first ones to mail in their 1040 forms to pay for America ’97. 9. … Continue reading

God Rest Ye Unitarians

GOD REST YE UNITARIANS (Author Unknown) 1. God rest ye, Unitarians, Let nothing you dismay! Remember that there is no proof There was a Christmas Day For Christmas really started as A pagan holiday. Oh, glad tidings of reason and fact, Reason and fact. Glad tidings of reason and fact. … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Top 25 Reasons that Hockey is Better than Sex

It’s ok to bleed during play. If it’s a bad game, you can call a time out. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment. You can still play when you get married. You can change on … Continue reading

Alternatives to children

TOP 10 REASONS WHY KITTENS ARE BETTER THAN BABIES From dcohen@paul.rutgers.edu 10. Veterinarians have evening hours. 9. Your kitten won’t be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Hell, you don’t even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don’t, you don’t even have to … Continue reading

Computer proficient canines

Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers 20 Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95. 19 Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18 Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17 Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit. 16 Can’t help attacking the screen … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons you can’t remember what was before life

John Hoban (Shibumi@epix.net) wrote in newsgroup alt.philosophy objectivism: : If there is no personal ego that can remember life before this one : how can one “remember”. Isn’t that supposed to be possible? — TOP TEN LIST BY T.A. DARCOS & COMPANY — (Not affliliated with Worldwide Pants, Inc.) (Drumroll) … Continue reading

Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different if Written by College Students.

Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food. Paul’s Letters to the Romans become Paul’s E-Mail to the … Continue reading

Touchdown

Husband: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary woes of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown.

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex!

You can usually find someone to do it with. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading