Top Condom Slogans (2 of 3)

Glove your pecker before you check her Coat that slimmer before you prime her Condomize then womanize Cover old pete then grind her meat Guard your peter before you meet her Check your list before you tryst Wrap your bate before you mate Can your worm before you squirm Cover … Continue reading

Useless Facts (1 of 5)

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.” On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. No word in the … Continue reading

Real Programmers Don’t Eat Quiche

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Top 10 Shockers Clinton Will Give To Ken Starr’s Grand Jury

Roger Clinton is actually an adept hacker and wrote UUCP….Unix-to-Unix Cocaine Protocol “I felt Paula Jones’ pain….she had a toothache” Chelsea is actually Bill & “Ginger Spice”‘s love child He grows pot in the Rose Garden Vernon Jordan is Nicole & Ron’s “Real Killer” Monica owns six pairs of knee-pads … Continue reading

Techincal Support

The following are a few true excerpts of real technical support inquiries logged over the years. These are not made-up jokes, but actual situations! Read ’em and see what real support should be! The Squeaky Mouse Caller: I would like to speak to someone about a major problem we’re having … Continue reading

Top 10 Good Things About the Federal Government Shutting Down

Good time for Ted Kennedy to return his empties Janet Reno goes back to wrestling alligators for a living If millions of government workers stay home, maybe two or three will watch CBS President Clinton can use the time off to pack Much needed rest for Capitol Hill hookers Hillary … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Calvin and Hobbes quotes

*”If something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.”* “Who wouldn’t be interested in everything we do?!” “You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude.” “You know you’ll hate something when they won’t tell you what it … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Budweiser Method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which, of course, is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7… she’s really … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

Smurf; Biological Reproduction and Cultural Development

One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs. Where exactly did they come from? How on earth do they reproduce? Where did Papa Smurf come from? Is smucking a real smurf cultural event? Here, after … Continue reading

Letters from Camp

Letters from Summer Camp The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column: Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’re Spending Too Much Time Surfing Web Sites

Your opening line is: “So what’s your home page address?” Your best friend is someone you’ve never met. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Web … Continue reading

Resume

——————- (These are real examples from real resumes and employment applications) RESUME –Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. EASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: –Responsibility makes me nervous. –They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.I Couldn’t work under those conditions. –Was met with … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

deep thoughts

Deeper Thoughts by Jack Handy Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words– “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind. –@– Children need encouragement. If … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons you can’t remember what was before life

John Hoban (Shibumi@epix.net) wrote in newsgroup alt.philosophy objectivism: : If there is no personal ego that can remember life before this one : how can one “remember”. Isn’t that supposed to be possible? — TOP TEN LIST BY T.A. DARCOS & COMPANY — (Not affliliated with Worldwide Pants, Inc.) (Drumroll) … Continue reading

Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from “Star Wars”

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in “Star Wars: A New Hope” 1. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.” 2. “Curse my metal body; I wasn’t fast enough!” 3. “Look at the size of that thing!” 4. “Sorry about the mess…” 5. “You … Continue reading