Real Programmers Don’t Eat Quiche

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

New Teacher Regulations

TO: ALL STAFF FROM: OFFICE OF SUPERINTENDANT RE: TEACHER IN SERVICE TRAINING SCHEDULE (T.I.T.S) In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is now required to supply bigger and better T.I.T.S for each employee. We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High … Continue reading

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses (viri?) do: 1. They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard … Continue reading

Computer Room Christmas Carol

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night. The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully … Continue reading

Murphy’s Laws & Corollaries

(picked these up from all over) ============================================================================ Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. Murphy’s Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy’s Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious Murphy’s Constant: Matter will be damaged in … Continue reading

laws and stuff

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. It is true … Continue reading

Letters from Camp

Letters from Summer Camp The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column: Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s … Continue reading

Unix Humor

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question: Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? UNIX consul: Yes, that’s correct. Customer: No, what is it? UNIX consul: Yes. Customer: So, which is the one? UNIX consul: No. ‘which’ is used to find … Continue reading

10 Ways to Make Your Neighbors Move

Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!”. Then point at each one … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons you can’t remember what was before life

John Hoban (Shibumi@epix.net) wrote in newsgroup alt.philosophy objectivism: : If there is no personal ego that can remember life before this one : how can one “remember”. Isn’t that supposed to be possible? — TOP TEN LIST BY T.A. DARCOS & COMPANY — (Not affliliated with Worldwide Pants, Inc.) (Drumroll) … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

How to Install Software

A 12-Step Program” by Dave Barry from his new book “Dave Barry In Cyberspace” 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this: SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

How do they do it ?

Anthropologists do it with culture. Archeologists do it with mummies. Architects do it late. Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl. Bayseians probably do it. Boy Scouts do it in the woods. C++ programmers do it with class. C++ programmers do it with private members and public … Continue reading

Star Trek With Dilbert Management

What the 24th century would be like under today’s management techniques. After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers “weak”. Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn’t … Continue reading

Collection of ‘One-Liner’ Signature Files Found on the Internet

————————————————————— ————————————————————— Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Give me ambiguity or give me something else. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got! We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your … Continue reading