Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

Top 10 Things That The “98” In Windows 98 Stands For

The number of megs a minimum installation takes up The minimum CPU use percentage at any given time The maximum number of minutes it takes for it to crash The minimum number of minutes it takes for a frustrated user to reformat the drive and put FreeBSD on it The … Continue reading

The Software Engineering Approach

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, … Continue reading

Techincal Support

The following are a few true excerpts of real technical support inquiries logged over the years. These are not made-up jokes, but actual situations! Read ’em and see what real support should be! The Squeaky Mouse Caller: I would like to speak to someone about a major problem we’re having … Continue reading

kinda funny

On a bright, warm spring day, somewhere on Vancouver Island a certain resident of East Indian origin was shaking his rug on his front porch. A passerby saw him, couldn’t help himself and blurted, “What is the problem? Can’t get it started?”

chemistry final

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as “Bonkistry.” He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two … Continue reading

What I Learned in College

ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane“. If you buy this, take it … Continue reading

The Chain Letter Of St. Paul The Apostle To The Corinthians

The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter–providing you in turn send it on. This … Continue reading

Murphy’s Laws & Corollaries

(picked these up from all over) ============================================================================ Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. Murphy’s Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy’s Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious Murphy’s Constant: Matter will be damaged in … Continue reading

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM 1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________ __________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ … Continue reading

32 Reasons Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than Men

It’s enjoyable hard or soft. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better. It doesn’t mind if you take your anger out on it. You always want to swallow. It won’t complain if you share it with friends. It’s “quick and convenient”. You can enjoy it more than once. … Continue reading

Life’s Little Truths (Part 5)

First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. — First Rule of History: History doesn’t repeat itself — historians merely repeat each other. — Flugg’s Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. — For every … Continue reading

Engineer Identification Test

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word “engineer” is greatly overused. If there’s somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him/her this test to discern the truth.   ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a … Continue reading

Course evaluations….(G)

Taken From the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991 The Best and Worst Comments Received ==================================== “This class was a religious experience for me… I had to take it all on faith.” “Text makes a satisfying `thud’ when dropped on the floor.” “[The class] is worthwhile because I need it … Continue reading

A Rose is a Rose; Lesser-Known Colours & Their Meanings

Although red is the most common colour of rose given, there are many colours with their own special meanings. The most common are: A PINK ROSE says “I like you.“ A WHITE ROSE says “Let’s be friends.“ A YELLOW ROSE says “I’m from Texas. Wanna go roll in some hay?“ … Continue reading

Machine Service

How to get better service on your new machine 1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong. allow each person a chance to correct the problem, whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned. 2. … Continue reading

Reach out and touch someone …

Phone Won’t Stop Ringing? Here’s What You Do Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the … Continue reading

An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician Solve a Problem

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

Differences in the sciences

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?” ———————————————————————- Engineers … Continue reading

misc

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division. Blore’s Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. — Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary” Brady’s First Law of … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

it’s that time once again

Taken From the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991 The Best and Worst Comments Received ==================================== “This class was a religious experience for me… I had to take it all on faith.” “Text makes a satisfying ‘thud’ when dropped on the floor.” “[The class] is worthwhile because I need it … Continue reading

A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING

“We’ve got a problem, HAL.” “What kind of problem, Dave?” “A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn’t going anywhere. We’re way short of our sales plan.” “That can’t be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world’s most advanced Heuristically Algorithmic computer.” “I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, … Continue reading

The CEO And The Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said. … Continue reading