In-class Assignment: Tandem Writting

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first … Continue reading

How do you hunt elephants?

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. STATISTICIANS hunt … Continue reading

hunting elephants

HOW TO HUNT ELEPHANTS Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one … Continue reading

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times Includes Late Night Humor President Clinton is trying to sell his budget to a GOP Congress. Being a Democratic President these days is a lot like owning a cemetary. There are lots of people under you but nobody’s listening. President Clinton … Continue reading

Code 9 Phone Call

“This is Brucie Kaufman of Scarsdale, New York” “Your number please?” asked the operator. “I’m nine years old.” “Number please, sir” “I wanta talk with President Johnson” “I just want the phone number,” the operator insisted. “I dunno. My name is Brucie Kaufman.” “Do you want the party’s address?” the … Continue reading

Factoids

Factoids * Coca-cola was originally green. * Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. * Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas. * Smartest dogs: 1)border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever * Dumbest: afghan * Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. * Men … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

How to attend a meeting

A classis Dave Barry How to Attend a Meeting To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. “Hi,” you should say. “I’m a new employee. What is the name of … Continue reading

Where has All the Humour Gone?

Following the recent announcement that all available humour has been used, and is now being recycled, a very unexpected reaction has occurred in Congress. Responding to a flood of calls and letters,, members of both houses of Congress have come together to attempt to resolve the problem. In a rare … Continue reading

a brief survey of history (well, parts of this are funny)

WHAT HAPPENED TODAY IN HISTORY? (Inaccurately compiled by:) The JOKEMASTER (Solely irresponsible for inaccuracies) Events —— 732 – The invention of water. 733 – The discovery of water pollution. 1263 – A Hawaiian man, Paiilowmonoii, was the first to discover that man does not survive a leap into an active … Continue reading

Political Humor

Seen on a bumper sticker: ************************************************* Let us pray for President Clinton: Psalm 109:8 ************************************************* Psalm 109:8 O’ Lord, May his days be few, and let another take his office. – Psalm 109:8 (KJV)

Square Balls Bet

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She … Continue reading

Reply to: Notice of Increased Tax Payments

I need to Reply to : NOTICE OF INCREASED TAX PAYMENT Effective January 1, 1997 Dear President Clinton, I have a few questions on your new “peter tax” that I need to ask to accertain that I fill out the Tax Form properly. 1. You mentioned a tax amount that … Continue reading

The Top 16 Signs Your Company Is Planning A Layoff

CEO frequently overheard mumbling, “Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe.” Your workday consists of coming in at 10, thinking up Top Five entries with 30 of your coworkers, then leaving at 4. Dr. Kervorkian hired as “Transition Consultant.” Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, “It’s Now Safe to Start Looking for Work.” Company softball team downsized to chess … Continue reading

Good Things About Getting Adopted by the Clintons

Instead of an allowance, you get a slush fund Can tell the other kids, “My Dad’s Secret Service agents can kick your dad’s ass” “Uncle Al” Gore always has lots of free time to play You can finally stop working in Kathie Lee’s sweatshop Get to hang out with all … Continue reading

Letter To God

There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked. The post office received the letter addressed to “GOD, USA,” they decided … Continue reading

3 boys

After the particularly long and violent storm had passed, 8 year old boys were walking together down the beach by the ocean. “Look” cried out one of the boys, as he saw the unconscious man lying there. The boys did CPR and the man revived. “Thank you boys. I’m President … Continue reading

The Genesis of a plan….

The Genesis of a Plan In the Begining was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the faces of the workers, and they spoke amongst themselves, saying, “It is a crock of … Continue reading

In The News

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times Includes some late night humor Reprinted without permission President Clinton has pledged air power to the UN effort in Bosnia. He would like to send tanks, artillery and other heavy weapons, but they’re all needed as evidence in the Waco hearings. … Continue reading

Chain Of Command

President Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. . Executive Vice President Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Bobbitt Trial

10. “Who ordered the Diet Slice?” 9. “Could Your Honor instruct juror no. 4 to stop giggling?” 8. “Mr. Bobbitt, please rise” 7. “I paid $500 for this ticket, now deemed, I want to see Streisand sing!” 6. “What’s Andrew Giuliani doing here?” 5. “One million bucks. All you’ve gotta … Continue reading

Tourist Morons

Who Says There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question? These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121) Grand Canyon National Park – … Continue reading

Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times (Includes some late night humor) 1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives! For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl … Continue reading

Presidential Quotes

1. If presidents don’t do it to their wives, they do it to the country. – – –Mel Brooks 2. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. –Clarence Darrow 4. You’re asking the leader of the Western world a … Continue reading