Non-Religious-isms

Here are a few interesting views on politics: Communisim: If you have two cows you give both cows to the government, and then the government sells you some of the milk. Socialism: If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government and then the government gives you … Continue reading

Universal Truths

MEDIA, TV, FILMS The hell with the Prime Directive – let’s kill something! Hello. My name is Batman. You killed my father. Prepare to die. He’s dead, Jim. You take his phaser, I’ll get his wallet. I hate you, you hate me, let’s go out and kill Barney – with … Continue reading

Future Career

An oldish couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and … Continue reading

Pizza Intelligence: An Update

Note: OPSEC is short for “Operations Security”, i.e. ensuring a potential enemy cannot determine what you’re about to do. Earlier this year [1991], we reported that Domino’s Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza … Continue reading

If They Were Alive…

The San Jose Mercury-News requested readers to submit their ideas of what certain deceased celebrities might be doing on TV if they were alive today. Here are some of the responses. If Albert Einstein were alive today, he’d be: A. trying to figure out how to program his VCR. B. … Continue reading

Mail to Newt Gingrich

John Michael Scalzi, II (scalzi@cris.com) wrote: The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the wake of the discovery of his comments on the biological urge of men to “hunt giraffes” and to wallow in ditches “like little piglets”: From: Scalzi@cris.com (John M. Scalzi, II) Subject: Giraffe … Continue reading

Learning from Baywatch

What Other Countries Learn About the USA from Baywatch American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, … Continue reading

Chain Of Command

President Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. . Executive Vice President Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks … Continue reading

kid’s pledge

“I pledge allegiance to myself and to the self-interests for which I stand, one kid, under pressure, with liberty and justice as I see fit.”

Hurricane Names

Mike McGovern, a writer, objected to having a destructive hurricane named after his sweet niece, Emily. So in yesterday’s NY Times, he submitted the following list of more appropriate hurricane names and how these storms might behave: Hurricane Clinton – Moves right, then left again Hurricane Gergen – Spins uncontrollably … Continue reading

Shit Stuff

subjective i feel for your shit happening objective it is logical that shit happens pharisee shit only happens to bad people physicist calculates the velocity of shit happening news reporter wants a scoop on the shit happening fundamentalist you deserve the shit that happens to you the i.r.s. “are you … Continue reading

World’s Greatest Political Quiz

NEW IMPROVED WORLD’S GREATEST POLITICAL QUIZ Fed up with small, slanted political quizzes? I present a new unbiased political quiz which will enlighten you to your actual political views. Just calculate your rating for each political category and see which one is greatest. Points I. Your Conservative Rating 1 0 … Continue reading

Dan Quayle

One afternoon, former Vice President Dan Quayle was driving home after picking up his daughter Corrine from school. At a red light, a fellow motorist pulled alongside and rolled down his window. “You’re a double for Dan Quayle!” he shouted. “Gee, I hope I don’t look like that guy,” Quayle … Continue reading

Communist humor

What’s the difference between the United States and Eastern Eupropean countries? The United States still has a communist party. — >From the New York Times, 11/7/89: Q. Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for recruiting new party members? A. If you get one new member, you … Continue reading

Political Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse. The Secret Service men were guarding the premises with care, for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there. Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed after locking out Mr. … Continue reading

If the World was 100 People

“If we could shrink the population of the earth to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this: There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 Western Hemisphere people (both North & South Americans), and 8 Africans. Seventy persons would be … Continue reading

Presidential Quotes

1. If presidents don’t do it to their wives, they do it to the country. – – –Mel Brooks 2. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. –Clarence Darrow 4. You’re asking the leader of the Western world a … Continue reading

Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area they each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs Your New Governor is Nuts

Changes name of capital to “Funkytown.” To prove he’s tough on crime he has himself executed. Calls an emergency staff meeting and declares war on Nebraska. If left alone, will eat every document on his desk. Won’t return phone call of the best damn mayor of the best damn city … Continue reading