All The Ways To Confuse, Annoy, And Screw With Your Roommate – (page 4 of 4)

Invite your roommate to sleep over. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything. Walk into walls. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!” … Continue reading

Funny Stories

Two guys were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, … Continue reading

Top 10 Things We’re Doing To “Farm”

Farm = IBM PS/2 with a 386SX-20. Runs NetBSD. Currently sits in the UNIX lab. Putting a 2 TB drive in it Grafting the motherboard to Keith Niedfeldt’s stomach Make it the biggest kick-ass Usenet server anywhere! Throwing it off the top of Hoyt Using it to play Rugby Running … Continue reading

50 Ways to Drive Men Crazy

Do not say what you mean. Ever. Be ambiguous. Always. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it’s their fault. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or ago. Make them apologize for everything. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that … Continue reading

Why a Pentium is like a Penis

When a guy first realizes he has one, he plays with it for 2 weeks straight. The more money you spend, the more hard drive you get. Guys are always comparing the size of them. For enough money, ANYONE can own one. Floppy drive? Once you are on a pentium, … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Rabbi Playing Golf

The great Rabbi of a big city is a golf addict. He likes nothing like playing golf on a warm sunny afternoon. Unfortunately, on shabbat, he has to refrain himself. This is a big dilemma for his soul; the temptation to play golf, and the consciousness of doing wrong if … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Entrance Exam – Football Player Version

Entrance Exam – Football Player Version Time Limit: 3 WKS What language is spoken in France? Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. Would you ask William Shakespeare to build a … Continue reading

Battle of the Sexes

********************************************************************** I’m Glad I’m A Woman I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don’t get wasted … Continue reading

Golf Jokes

A father spoke to his son, “It’s time we had a little talk, my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you’ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else.” He added, “But … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Dog vs. Man humor (may be offensive to some men)

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what’s bothering them. The smaller … Continue reading

Top 25 Reasons that Hockey is Better than Sex

It’s ok to bleed during play. If it’s a bad game, you can call a time out. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment. You can still play when you get married. You can change on … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Phillies’ Fans Could Welcome a Strike

No more Businesspersons’ Specials = No Blue Hats.. Idle Phanatic is a great moneysaver. Who can’t use another really absorbent bathmat? Working Triple-A team more familiar than Big Phils this year anyhow. “Magic Number” to elimination would have been too difficult to calculate this early. Your kid’s Little League team … Continue reading

Fishheads

Fishheads, Barnes and Barnes 1980 Fishheads fishheads, roly-poly fishheads. Fishheads fishheads, eat them up…YUM! Repeat chorus In the morning, laughing happy fishheads. In the evening, floating in the soup Repeat chorus Ask a fishhead anything you want to. They won’t answer, they can’t talk. Repeat chorus I took a fishhead … Continue reading

Depressed dog?

A young man went to pick up his date at her apartment. She was not quite ready and suggested he play with her dog handing him a red rubber ball. The dog was quite insistent that he play with it and begged each time he brought the ball back. The … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo In The Mall

Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large powerful corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like sparrows in a jet turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the … Continue reading

Rules to be a Man (more)

RULES TO BE A MAN (2) 50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can’t see them, they can’t see you. 51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. 52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc. 53. Complain about not getting any mail. … Continue reading

Computers must be male

Top 10 reasons computers must be male: ======================================== 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Cat Translation Dictionary

=== Initiate Previously Transmitted Communique === The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > I have three cats. Two speak normally and say ‘miaow’, > but the third, still a kitten, says ‘miaowmaiow’. > Why is this? And in response, thus … Continue reading