OS California

[To the tune of Hotel California by The Eagles] In a dark deserted office Alone and open-plan Strong smells of black coffee Percolating through my fan Took a look at my user He would give a zombie fright Though his eyes grew heavy and his head grew dim Still he … Continue reading

Jokes Collection 2

What’s the difference between a dead politician lying in the middle of the road, and a dead dog in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog! Paddy decided to tidy himself up a bit one day, and went out and bought himself a … Continue reading

Humour in Court

Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in London? A..I refuse to answer that question. Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in Leeds? A..I refuse to answer that question. Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in Liverpool? A..No. Prosecutor:- Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons Why Clint Beham Left Westminster

The Grim Reaper scared him away T1 just wasn’t fast enough Didn’t want to drink the required amount of alcohol for CS majors There’s these pesky things called “classes” that were getting in the way of his mudding He figured he wasn’t ready for college…or college wasn’t ready for him … Continue reading

The Top 10 reasons why Micro$oft sucks

The last spell checker that came in Word 97 was in Swahili Paul Allen’s face is the permanent wallpaper in Windows One word: ActiveX They’re not bugs, they’re not features, they’re SECURITY ENHANCEMENTS! Windows saying “this program has performed an illegal operation and will shut down” is as helpful as … Continue reading

Offensive Chinese Food Menu

Fresh Every 2 7 Days PEE YU PLATTER Clothes Pins Extra HOO FLUNG POO Napkins & Raincoats Provided SUC SUM TIT Children’s Special YUNG POON TANG No Take Out Orders Accepted LUNCHEON SPECIALS SUM YUNG CHICK [$6 99] Different and Delicious WON HUNG LO [$6 99] Chinese Meatballs SUM DUM … Continue reading

How to Handle Stress PG

1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says “have a nice day” tell them you have other plans. 5. Find out what a … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

More from interviews

After Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees, they were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates: “What is it that you people do at this company?” … Continue reading

Top 10 Ways America would be Different with Bill Gates as President

Top 10 Ways America would be Different with Bill Gates as President ——————————————————————- 10. Millions of taxpaying nerds would line up outside post offices around the country at 12:01 a.m, on January 1st to be the first ones to mail in their 1040 forms to pay for America ’97. 9. … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Who Pays On The Date?

For all you single women torn with this dilemma when on a date. This is taken from The World According to HE & SHE by Julie Logan and Arthur Howard: If SHE wants to sleep with him, then it’s a date: HE pays. If SHE doesn’t want to sleep with … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

The Glass of Milk

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction? Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Futurist: The milk’s in the wrong half of the glass. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Churches Don’t Ask Clown Ministries to Return

10. They force people to smile during the 8 am service. 9. It’s hard to say with dignity, “The sermon today will be given by Brother Umpa-Doody.” 8. Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under the pew cushions. 7. Sermons take a lot longer when they are in pantomime. 6. Clowns wearing … Continue reading

Top Seven Ways To Balance The Budget

Stop paying Clinton speechwriters by the word Get Letterman to pay his speeding tickets Serve canned hams at all White House state dinners Save government ink by replacing long “William Jefferson Clinton” signature with 70% shorter “Bob Dole” signature Make Gore and Gingrich pay for those good seats at State … Continue reading

Things That Piss Me Off

“Put stamp here” instructions on envelopes When you can see a ventriloquist’s lips moving Co-workers who jam the copier. then flee the scene of the crime Fans who do “the wave” too many times Running to answer a phone that’s ringing on TV Having to make idle conversation with your … Continue reading

Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

New Year’s Resolutions

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year’s Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven’t been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making … Continue reading

How do they do it ?

Anthropologists do it with culture. Archeologists do it with mummies. Architects do it late. Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl. Bayseians probably do it. Boy Scouts do it in the woods. C++ programmers do it with class. C++ programmers do it with private members and public … Continue reading

Communist humor

What’s the difference between the United States and Eastern Eupropean countries? The United States still has a communist party. — >From the New York Times, 11/7/89: Q. Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for recruiting new party members? A. If you get one new member, you … Continue reading

Phrack Magazine, Volume Five, Issue Forty-Six, File 9 of 28

==Phrack Magazine== Volume Five, Issue Forty-Six, File 9 of 28 **************************************************************************** Legal Info by Szechuan Death OK. This document applies only to United States citizens: if you are a citizen of some other fascist country, don’t come whining to me when this doesn’t work….. 🙂 Make no mistake: I’m not … Continue reading